Birthday Haiku Again

Once again we have randomized our brains and lubricated our words with coffee – all for the sake of celebrating the birthday of a friend.  He has many names, but we call him…  Well, that’s not important.

Fucking piece of cake
It’s all up in my shit now
Exit only man

Big and hairy man
We love your huge bulk and heart
Your love kills slowly

I know what I want
A pony, a doll house and
A nasal lavage

Papa bear hug time
Baby bear grips a pillow
Lay back, enjoy it

We want you to dance!
Please sing more “Swamp Thing” for us!
Birthday blowjob, eh?

And there you have it.  Not exactly the most universal birthday haiku, but perfectly appropriate for our purposes.  Just remember:  birthdays are real, the rest is speculation.

-BRP

The End of Men

Click to embiggen…

(transcript)

The End of Men (El libro)
*Men are unable to give birth, to keep the species going.

Having go the anus to protrude as much as possible, torment shows the transition from brilliant colour to crudely simple draughtsmanship and solidly modelled form.

However, there are certain differences in pronunciation between the spoken language.

Jo pointed, and Laurie sat up to examine; for through an opening in Mexico City, but the other one stops at Veracruz.

The 1880s were prolific years, but years of continued poverty and depression until in 1889.  Tommy Bangs will smoke sweet-fern cigars under the bedclothes,

“What does Amy call you?”

“My lord. Viola and Angelo are two of our favorite names. Isn’t that queer?” said Meg.

The intention was to cover both end walls, the one with the Fall of the Rebel Anges as the prelude to the ceiling and the other with the Last Judgment [20.12] as the consummation of the whole subject-cycle.  Then, on the third day, wash it out with a dry wine.  In Spain and in most of Spanish America, pour forth blood;

Great Scott!  I do not have much time.

This project was done in the past.  It will be discussed in the future.  At some point, someone – somewhere – will attempt to replicate the process.  It will be glorious.

-BRP

The Devil & The Turkey

(image: Justin Shearer)

The devil said, ‘Go fish’
The devil said, ‘Go monkeys’
The teacher yelled, ‘Stop monkeys!’
The teacher yelled, ‘Stop babies!’
The teacher yelled, ‘Stop! Rabies!’
‘Stop the teacher’ yelled rabies
‘Stop Mr. Teacher’ yelled rabies
‘Wait, Mr. Teacher!’ yelled Ryan
‘Wait mister!’ yelled Ryan
‘Wait… mister’ whispered Ryan
‘Wait… mister’ Ryan blubbered
Wait… Mr. Ryan
Wait… Mr.
No… sir.
Yes… sir!
Yes, sire!
Help, sire!
Help!
Holy God Loving Pandas
Holy Gestalt Loving Pandas Crying
What the fuck turkey crying
Crying, the turkey fucked what?
Laughing, the turkey fucked what? Where?
The fucking turkey laughed!

I don’t wanna get into a whole blame-game here, but somebody broke our fuckin’ game.  Seriously.  I dunno what was in someone’s bloodstream, but they apparently forgot what we were doing and made up their own game – halfway through.  That means they did it right, at least once, before they just decided to do whatever they wanted.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not full of fussy bitchery or anything – I think it makes things better.  Playing off internet meme #2407, I say:  “Yo dawg, we heard you like random shit. So we put some random shit in your chaos, so you can dance like a monkey while you incorporate modern tarriff restrictions on the selection of fish for hitting and kissing the tarmac.”

-BRP

ABC Haiku Christmas

Still playing catch-up with our holiday themed weirdness.  Like so.

(pic from plasticrevolver)

A/B/C HAIKU CHRISTMAS!

Amazing presents
Before ripping them open
Cock-smear each to claim

Drafty mansion smells
Elegant decorations
Fruitcake poo all night

Great green globs of cheer
Habitate my sinuses
Icicle boogers

Just in time for gin
Kills the pain of heaving them
Loathsome is their sound

Murder most merry
No! You bastard! Don’t kill me!
O! Cruel Santa Claus

Palpatate, oh heart
Quiver with happy urges
Regurgitate love

Santa touched my stuff
“Thank you,” I told him. We smiled
Under the tree: Swag!

Vacant Christmas stares
Watching me with empty eyes
X-rays on my chest

Yellow snow is gross
Zeus versus Jesus: who wins?
Me, motherfucker

This piece of obligatory, offensive, purile and GENIUS art was actually done on Christmas Eve.  Yep, we went ahead and did Thursday Night Coffee on the most precious fucking night of the year.  I guess.

Honestly, it’s hard to pick my favorite here.  It’s tough competition between PQR & STU and the YZ* is freakin’ amazing… kinda.

-BRP

re: Haiti

This.

Dear Pat Robertson,

I have something we need to tell you:  rethink this thing.  Then I realized, Glenn Beck’s testicles are just like Sid & Nancy.  Whatcha gonna do?  Lick McCain’s colostomy?  Fuck that shit!  Did you know?  Sarah Palin likes my barista toejam.

I’ll stuff your chocolate starfish with big, thick, pink marshmellows, Alzheimer’s and hot, squirty blood.  I don’t care about your problems.  But I do have some advice.  You shouldn’t be nursing conjoined sextuplets.  When you lactate does it hurt just three, or all your nipples?

Chlamydia explains nothing!  I can’t believe you believe it!  But it tastes nothing like you!  Mom thought when we were beating fish were the fun times.  Remember when we shared coffee enemas with Bob Fosse?

So, unfortunately, I’m not like you.

love,
Coffee Night

…

Well, I hope that clears up a thing or two.  Pat Robertson is a terrible example of humanity.  Haiti has clearly become the modern recipient of the short end of the stick.

-BRP

These Hoary Chestnuts

(image: Rude Cactus)

And now for some time-honored haiku fun!

Santa is coming
Put more wood in the fireplace!
Put more wood in me

Eagan’s gives good shake
Hanukkah is in my cat
My manhood – engorged!

Blow him off hard, man!
Hospital – he has earned it
He died twice, beat that!

You can beat it twice
Just take your lumps and like it
Sexy lady lumps

It is cold in here
Fuck this horrible weather!
I need a hot pot

My Hanukkah snake
Jewish trousers can’t tame it!
Stop, you’re not Jewish

*I hope you enjoyed it.  We certainly did.  Cheers!

-BRP

Gimme a beat!

(image: labanex)
the ABCs of Musicals We Want to Exist

(thankfully, they don’t – but we still think about them)

a)  ANIMAL!  The Musical!

b)  Berthold Brecht’s ‘BARBIE GIRL’

c)  CHILDREN OF THE CORN

d)  DUKES OF HAZZARD

e)  EASY-E: A Life In Song

f)  Fozzi Bear does ‘RENT’

g)  GRAPES OF WRATH

h)  HAMLET ON ICE

i)  INCONVENIENT TRUTH: TRUTH IN SONG

j)  JURASSIC PARK

k)  KLINGONS IN LOVE

l)  LEMURIAN DAYS, THULIAN NIGHTS

m)  MARS ATTACKS

n)  NIETZCHE! THE MUSICAL!

o)  OPTIMUS PRIME

p)  PUPPETRY OF THE PENIS – The Rock Opera

q)  Q: The Brain Behind Bond’s Gadgets

r)  RASPUTIN! The Man, The Mystery

s)  SADDAM HUSSEIN & FRIENDS!

t)  TITTIES! (how they’re awesome, why we love them & how they saved the world!)

u)  UNDERWORLD: ROCKS! ON ICE!

v)  VAMPIRELLA: DEAD SEXY

w)  WORLD WAR III (a musical history of the apocalypse, with dancing zombies)

x)  X-MEN

y)  YOUNG GUNS II

z)  ZEPPELIN: THE MUSICAL

If you’re like most people, you may wonder at some of these entries.  For example, why would you need/want a musical about Led Zeppelin?  Or a dirigible-zeppelin-balloon thingy?  Hell, you might not even know that ‘Puppetry of the Penis’ is a real book.

Wait.  If you’re really like ‘most people’, you wouldn’t be reading this…  Hm.  You must be a freaky deaky, crazy pants kinda person.  Good.  Carry on!

Oh, feel free to think of this as a ‘To-Do’ list.  In a world where ‘CARRIE: The Musical!‘ actually existed – however briefly – is one where all things are possible.

-brp

Shakespeare -&- Moses

What do you think of Shakespeare?
Because Jesus slept with your mother.

Why is your mom such a whore for religious figures?
So’s your face.

What’s in the sauce?
Uh, I did my thesis on something completely different.

Can you elaborate on that?
Secret ninjas are the answer.

Why does Christian Bale move silently?
An adorable pussycat.

Why?
Because I said so.

What makes you such an expert?
Giving Rod Blagojevich a hand-job.

What would you sell your soul for?
Ask George Bush.

What’s the deal with airline food?
Depends on the variables…

What’s the deal with books anyway?
A baby blue robin’s egg.

Why is Miss Addy’s peanut brittle so good?
It is the madness!

What is the capital of New Mexico?
Margaritas and drag queens.

Hey sugar, what’s your name?
Because all the water was gone and Moses floated away.

Wow, look at that.  Such a nice and bizarre Q&A session.  As per usual, people writing the answers couldn’t see the question.  These are always more miss than hit, but this one turned out nicely.  It’s actually a bit more coherent than a few conversations I’ve had lately.

-BRP

Picky Sins

I’m not picky
I’m not plucky
I’m not funky
I’m super funky
I’m super
I’m super-duper
I’m super-uper-duper!
I’m super-uper-fly!
I super fly
Superman flies
Super man-flies
Superman died
Superman died for you!
Superman died for all of us
The Wondertwins died for all of us
The Wondertwins died for all our sins
The Wondertwins: For all of our sins!
All of our sins have wonderful twins

(image: paolo.barcellos, Flickr)

I love to try and piece together the strange mental leaps that occur in these games.  Just reading the first and final lines always gives me a tiny thrill.  Cognitive dissonance?  Yay?  The Superman lines remind me of Chris Ware – and his penchant for using Superman-as-God in his comics.  Brilliant stuff.

-BRP

Equinox Haiku Orgy

This is crazy time
Batshit can be loads of fun!
I am the walrus

 

Pat is the walrus
His tusks are not just for show
Blood waters clover

Hot coconut bras
Nasty, juicy maracas
Make me dance funny

<> <> <>

Convicts do the jive
Baby shake your tail feather
The tail feather is!

The cat hides at night
He is the kitten savior
Shatner loves his pussy

(image: BitchBuzz, Flickr)

Haiku are always so strange.  Sometimes they flow with a perfect rhythm and other times they fall like a brick dropped on a pile of dog shit.  Since these were all created via some communal-mind, addled by copious amounts of coffee, I think I can overlook some of the defects.  After all, it delivered perhaps the Greatest Shatner Haiku of all time.  That counts for a lot.

-BRP