ABC Haiku Christmas

Still playing catch-up with our holiday themed weirdness.  Like so.

(pic from plasticrevolver)

A/B/C HAIKU CHRISTMAS!

Amazing presents
Before ripping them open
Cock-smear each to claim

Drafty mansion smells
Elegant decorations
Fruitcake poo all night

Great green globs of cheer
Habitate my sinuses
Icicle boogers

Just in time for gin
Kills the pain of heaving them
Loathsome is their sound

Murder most merry
No! You bastard! Don’t kill me!
O! Cruel Santa Claus

Palpatate, oh heart
Quiver with happy urges
Regurgitate love

Santa touched my stuff
“Thank you,” I told him. We smiled
Under the tree: Swag!

Vacant Christmas stares
Watching me with empty eyes
X-rays on my chest

Yellow snow is gross
Zeus versus Jesus: who wins?
Me, motherfucker

This piece of obligatory, offensive, purile and GENIUS art was actually done on Christmas Eve.  Yep, we went ahead and did Thursday Night Coffee on the most precious fucking night of the year.  I guess.

Honestly, it’s hard to pick my favorite here.  It’s tough competition between PQR & STU and the YZ* is freakin’ amazing… kinda.

-BRP

Opposite Tangents

Aaaaand we’re back.  With a new layout, a new lust for life and new material.  Please do let us know if you like the newness.  Please do not offer us drugs, sex or sex-drugs.  We like our naughty bits the way they are.

Hey!  This is a new game!  Just came up with a variation on the ol’ ‘Opposites’ standard.  Every third line should be a random tangent, which the line should oppisitify.  Yes, Oppositify is a perfectly cromulent word.  Enjoy!

McCain is doomed
Blessed be Obama
I am not McCain’s friend
I wanna be Obama’s friend
I definitely don’t wanna be McCain’s enemy
Palin has a moosetache!
Otters for Biden!
Ferrets against Palin!
That’s like putting lipstick on a ferret!
Sarah Palin?
Nilap Haras!
Onomatopoeia
Speaking
Signing
And then all the pink elephants came out to play
Sobriety and decorum are our standards
We are rockin’ with Dokken!
That one!
This one!
Those two
Putin rears his head!
Reagan nods off
Carter jacks off
Stephen Spielberg is an alien
But Uwe Boll is a Nazi
Stephen Spielberg is an alien
Coffee incontinence is not funny

And there you have it.  We’ll be posting more often, I hope.  Every day, if I have my druthers (and boy do I have a lot of druthers!).  Cheers!

-BRP

For The Love Of Coffee

Sorry for the interruption of posting.  Back into the grind now and I’ve got quite a backlog of material!  Cheerio and all that.

I was wrong
I was wrong… NOT
I was wrong, not prolapsed
Prolapsed?  I was robbed!
Tea-bagging?  I was robbed!
Tea-bagging – he did it and robbed
Tea-bagging ~ we did it to Bob
Tea-bagging ~ we did it to get a response
Tea-bagging ~ we did it to get a job
Coffee percolating ~ they did it to keep their job
They did it to percolate coffee
They did it to percolate love
They did it to percolate in my love
They filtered it to percolate in my love
They filtered it to assassinate my love
They assassinated my love!
They assassinated love!
John Tesh assassinated love!
John Tesh assassinated
John Tesh

Assassin? (pic swiped from The Johnny Foreigner)

This particular piece of surreal oddness is very special.  It features the handiwork of one of Thursday Night Coffee’s founding members – Jon Mikel! – on a return visit from the land of maple syrup.  He and Colleen came out to visit and convert the heathens to the Way of Comics.  I think they did a fine job.  They’re safely back in the embrace of Vermont now, but at least we got to see them for a bit.

That’s all for now.  Cheers!

-BRP

This one’s a keeper, folks

Our Father, who art in Colombia
Juan Valdez be his name
His burro come
His sack is full, on the mountain as it is in the valley
Give us this day our daily bean
And forgive us our decaf, as we forgive those who decaf against us
And lead us not into latte
But deliver us from Starbucks
For thine is the roaster and the grinder and the percolator
Forever and ever, until 2 AM

This may be the most important blog post I have ever made.  Truly, this is a sublime piece of work.   I don’t think it’s hyperbole at all to say that this blog post could change the course of human history, for all time.  Oh no.

…

We actually had a lot of good conversation this week.  The air was thick with stories about abuse of authority, personal struggles with autonomy-vs-society and our favorite college in the world, Evergreen.  Really, there was a lotta bitching, but I took a lot away from it.  Here’s the topics that I remember, for those of you keeping score at home:

• Anarchy vs. Chaos
• Anarchy vs. Sustainable communities
• ‘real’ Anarchy vs. ‘fake’ Anarchy
• Trust-fund  radicals (Trustafarians)
• Baby names (‘The’, ‘The Dude’, ‘Raul’, etc.)
• Small people with badges
• If you somehow were to confront a perfect copy of yourself, would you have sex with yourself? Would that be wrong?  Is it gay? Is it hot? How is that any different from masturbation? HUH? You’re so smart, maybe you have all the answers, huh?
• Drugs
• Sex

That is all I’ve got.  I’m sorry.  Next time, maybe we’ll throw together a little multi-media affair.  Some kind of a coffee-fueled podcast.  Maybe.  I’ll post the other thing we did last night tomorrow.  Promise.*

-BRP
(*promise void where prohibited by laws of thermodynamics or douchebaggery)

A Month of Java!

I’ve been doing this Coffee Night blog for a month now. What have I learned? What sort of hoary wisdom can I impart to others? How have I managed to keep it up, in the face of adversity?

I’ve learned that you should never check your blog-stats, you never post death-threats (I said I was sorry!) and it’s really not that hard. You just write stuff. I really hope that some other Coffee Nighters decide to post stuff too. It’s not about me, folks, it’s about the good times. (I think)

Anyway, here’s the latest game we cracked out. I’m much happier with this than whatever Valentine’s Day stuff we could’ve done. Enjoy!

Why are you so hardcore?
Because I was caught not flushing the urinal

Why do you smell like a ’74 Chevy Nova?
Because I have anal-retentive OCD tendancies

Why do you always look so stylish?
Because I’m cold and tired and still amused

Why are you such an awesome bowler?
Cuz my sense of humor is totally off

Why do you do that voodoo you do?
Because I’m a Pisces

Why do you have such an effeminate lip ring?
Because I need a haircut

Why do you always wear a hat?
Because my ham is sweet and juicy

Why do you touch butts?
Because the seat of my bike was stolen… once

Why do you run in circles?
Because I refuse to eat seafood… for farcically moral reasons

Why are you such a totally awesome writer?
Because I have to pee, but I know I won’t enjoy it as much as I would if I had a penis

Why are you talking about this?
Because I don’t sleep very much, never have

Why did your momma let you out of the house wearing that?
Because my cat sounds like Sean Connery

This whole Q&A thing is kinda cool, I think. Maybe we should mix it up more often. It could be interesting to keep on inventing newer, weirder games. I’ll do my best to keep the gears spinning. Cheers!

-BRP

What IS it?!

What is your problem?
It is but a fevered dream

What is your Halloween costume?
It is the glorious sound of baby kittens

What is your mojo filter?
It’s a bad mama-jamma

What is the meaning of life?
It is a cryin’ shame…

What is a “monster truck”?
It is BANANAS… topped with nuts and a cherry!

What is the warping of space-time?
It is the true cause of morning wood

What is in Pat’s head goo?
It constitutes a threat to our way of life

What is the sound of one hand clapping?
It is marvelous and smells like soup

What is that on your face?
It is the hottie and the nottie

What is your morality worth?
It is so incredibly awesome, I must monkey dance!

What is the bestest thing in the world?
It is undeniably hawt!

What is the secret password?
Pickle pants and blueberry pancakes!

I hope that clears things up. There was a helluva lot more coolness from Coffee Night, but it’ll have to wait until later. Cheers!

-BRP

Poot

(from Wikipedia)

Feelin’ a little punchy tonight. I’ve just got a little something short and sweet for ya. Another new SG, that we cranked out at Coffee Night. I hope it gives ya some… solace for your weary heart. Cheers.

Put in a paint shaker
Foot in a paint shaker
Foot in a booty shaker
Poot in a booty shaker
Poot in a booty Johnny’s Salt shaker
Poot in a booty shaker
Poot in a booty quaker
Poot in a booty
Poot booty
Poot fruity
Poot

Hillary -vs- Obama

bottom of the cup

HEY! It’s time for more SG haiku! Yay!

kittens in mittens
what is this world coming to?
vote for Obama!

Hillary shall reign
over all the monkey towns
happy monkey dance

go-go pudding pop
sometimes a great notion
is better not done

teeth in vaginas
that sounds like a bad date dude…
Hillary’s bettah!

Epic Birthday

    In honor of the 21st birthday of one of our own… we went to coffee.  Aaaand later, a few went out to a bar.  So it goes.  There are many ways to turn twenty-one.  I hope Mr. Drinky-pants enjoyed his special day very much.  Oh, and we did a special surrealist game for the occasion.

B.I.R.T.H.D.A.Y.
Births initiate revealing truths & hilarious details about you.
Your own utopia.
Ultimately, the orange penis is amazing.
A man always zeros in around ganga.
Gallivanting armadillos never go awry.
Alter-egos will ruin you.
You ‘orrible uggo!
Untimely gringos groan officially.
Only Flemish fuck in cheese if angry Liberians leech Yemen.
You emu may ejaculate now.
Never own wombats.
Women over marshmallow boats after the spring.
Slice purple radishes in nearby gardens.
Galvanized arotic rodents decide events never seen.

Snow job

coffee zen

I drove home from a (very) late night at work in the snow.  Something about being the first person to drive down the blank slate of a snowy road at 2 AM is just magical to me.  The radiant white, untouched by other tires and the near-perfect quiet of it all.  It may sound strange, but it’s a very zen experience – one I’ve had many times.

Going past our Coffee Night haunt, I felt a small pang of loneliness.  I shook off the urge to pull in and grab a cup of joe.  Now, I wonder – who might I have bumped into?  Who is out there, lurking in the coffee joints of the world at this hour?  Even if I’ve never met them, I can’t help but feel like a kindred spirit.  Except , of course, I drove on home.

It doesn’t matter where I go, or what becomes of me in this life – part of me will always be at coffee.  Waiting for my friends to show up.  Drawing and writing and making light, in the middle of darkness.  That’s all right with me; that’s just perfect.

Cheers.

-BRP