re: Haiti

This.

Dear Pat Robertson,

I have something we need to tell you:  rethink this thing.  Then I realized, Glenn Beck’s testicles are just like Sid & Nancy.  Whatcha gonna do?  Lick McCain’s colostomy?  Fuck that shit!  Did you know?  Sarah Palin likes my barista toejam.

I’ll stuff your chocolate starfish with big, thick, pink marshmellows, Alzheimer’s and hot, squirty blood.  I don’t care about your problems.  But I do have some advice.  You shouldn’t be nursing conjoined sextuplets.  When you lactate does it hurt just three, or all your nipples?

Chlamydia explains nothing!  I can’t believe you believe it!  But it tastes nothing like you!  Mom thought when we were beating fish were the fun times.  Remember when we shared coffee enemas with Bob Fosse?

So, unfortunately, I’m not like you.

love,
Coffee Night

…

Well, I hope that clears up a thing or two.  Pat Robertson is a terrible example of humanity.  Haiti has clearly become the modern recipient of the short end of the stick.

-BRP

I Love Shatner!

I love Shatner
I hate people without awesomeness in their soul
I love Trevor
I love to verbally pummel Trevor
You hate aurally stroking Addy
I love silently staying PAT
You hate loudly going punch
I’m a bored drinker
You are the life of the buffet
You’re killin’ the buzz over dinner
You’re keepin’ the love alive over brunch
I’m shitting on physical relationships at snack-time!
You create mental solitude for fasting
We destroy physical togetherness against overeating
Nothing is empty, everything is connected

I don’t really know what to say about this.  It reads like a love ‘manifesto’ to me.  You see?  You see how all things that flow from Shatner are GOLD?!  Yes, you see all too well…

Furthermore, I would like to make sure these notes are part of the ‘Record’:

“A good artist borrows. A genius artist steals.”  -Picaso

Dane Cook: a crappy throw pillow

Gene Simmons brand SUGAR: Tastes like ROCK!

I also related the long and lusty tale of the following exchange:

ME:  Gimme a kiss, baby.
Wife:  Ooh baby (kisses me)
ME:  I kinda feel like gettin’ freaky…
Wife:  Oh, really? (laughs) ‘Freaky’ is it?
ME:  Mm hm, I wanna put on a wizard robe–
Wife: Oh God! (laughs)
ME:  … and pull out my +10 Rod of Fucking–
Wife:  (screams, hits me) Stop! Stop stop…
ME:  Aw, c’mon baby…
Wife:  (stifling laughter)  I can’t believe you!
ME:  Make your save versus O-Face!
Wife:  Never say that again! (cringes)
ME:  Ahhh… what?
Wife:  No. (laughs) You’re so bad…
ME:  Damn…

And, I only embellished that story a wee bit!  The lesson to be learned is this:  She still slept with me!  Ha!   I win!  Ommmmm.

Cheers and salutations!

-BRP

A Month of Java!

I’ve been doing this Coffee Night blog for a month now. What have I learned? What sort of hoary wisdom can I impart to others? How have I managed to keep it up, in the face of adversity?

I’ve learned that you should never check your blog-stats, you never post death-threats (I said I was sorry!) and it’s really not that hard. You just write stuff. I really hope that some other Coffee Nighters decide to post stuff too. It’s not about me, folks, it’s about the good times. (I think)

Anyway, here’s the latest game we cracked out. I’m much happier with this than whatever Valentine’s Day stuff we could’ve done. Enjoy!

Why are you so hardcore?
Because I was caught not flushing the urinal

Why do you smell like a ’74 Chevy Nova?
Because I have anal-retentive OCD tendancies

Why do you always look so stylish?
Because I’m cold and tired and still amused

Why are you such an awesome bowler?
Cuz my sense of humor is totally off

Why do you do that voodoo you do?
Because I’m a Pisces

Why do you have such an effeminate lip ring?
Because I need a haircut

Why do you always wear a hat?
Because my ham is sweet and juicy

Why do you touch butts?
Because the seat of my bike was stolen… once

Why do you run in circles?
Because I refuse to eat seafood… for farcically moral reasons

Why are you such a totally awesome writer?
Because I have to pee, but I know I won’t enjoy it as much as I would if I had a penis

Why are you talking about this?
Because I don’t sleep very much, never have

Why did your momma let you out of the house wearing that?
Because my cat sounds like Sean Connery

This whole Q&A thing is kinda cool, I think. Maybe we should mix it up more often. It could be interesting to keep on inventing newer, weirder games. I’ll do my best to keep the gears spinning. Cheers!

-BRP

Cheese of the French!

Cheese was invented by the French
who worship Jerry Lewis
because he blew Mel Gibson
who is the leader of the world
– but not the free world on Earth, the other one –
that no one knew about, other than David Bowie
who told Bob Dylan to keep quiet
which explains a lot about pop music
which is considered by many as dance music of the devil
and so was banned in 47 states by the KKK
because the KKK is pumping our meat with growth hormones
so they can create incredible racist Hulks
that are skinheads by day and green, buff gladiHaters by night
and service lesbian orangutan crack slaves
in France, of course

Let’s get it on

This is a joint venture, although very few actual drugs were involved.  Caffeine, mostly.  For well over ten years, my insane friends and I have set aside Thursday night as coffee night – even when it’s Wednesday.  This time has been used for many purposes:

• Art projects
• Conspiracy plotting
• Political discussion
• Gossip (personal & imaginary)
• Simple social interaction

and most often,

• Surrealist games!

In my next post, I will post a sample of some of our collaborative work.  Just to give an idea of what kind of madness we get up to.  Maybe I’ll post up some pics, some video, some audio… who knows?

In general, I don’t know what the hell we’ll use this blog for.  I just know that it’s long past due that we put something here.  It could be a useful repository of our work, or just a place to blather on about nothing in particular.

If you are a former “Thursday Nighter”, please post a comment somewhere in here – or at least drop me a line.  I miss you and love you all, as my close and personal friends.  Word.

Likewise, if you have any suggestions for entertaining things to do with this blog, feel free to harass me with your superior insights.  I’m always prepared to bend over backwards to please anonymous harpies with no tact.  Uh, I mean, your advice would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you.

-BRP