Dear Gary Gygax…

In honor of the O.G. D.M., we present this surrealist letter.  Enjoy.

Dear Dungeon Master,
It’s you fault I’m a geek.  For my first game, I made my mother cry.  She deserved it – no one spills Mountain Dew and then gives me a time out!
Back to you, though.  You are my “Mommy Dearest” of gaming.  My Led Zepplin of gansta dice rollin’.  I remember the dark days of the barbarian horde acid tests.  Those blurred times of natural twenties and funions drove me to natural lovin’.  My magic sword of bugbear attraction.  What happened next made me shake in my tunic.
The reason I’m writing you is that you’re dead.  Roll in peace, in open-ended critical heaven –

(heart)
(name withheld)

As a bonus, I’m going to post this chart.  If you’ve never seen it before… well, you haven’t missed much.  But it is pretty damned funny.

Cheers!  I’ll post some more stuff tomorrow!

-BRP

I Love Shatner!

I love Shatner
I hate people without awesomeness in their soul
I love Trevor
I love to verbally pummel Trevor
You hate aurally stroking Addy
I love silently staying PAT
You hate loudly going punch
I’m a bored drinker
You are the life of the buffet
You’re killin’ the buzz over dinner
You’re keepin’ the love alive over brunch
I’m shitting on physical relationships at snack-time!
You create mental solitude for fasting
We destroy physical togetherness against overeating
Nothing is empty, everything is connected

I don’t really know what to say about this.  It reads like a love ‘manifesto’ to me.  You see?  You see how all things that flow from Shatner are GOLD?!  Yes, you see all too well…

Furthermore, I would like to make sure these notes are part of the ‘Record’:

“A good artist borrows. A genius artist steals.”  -Picaso

Dane Cook: a crappy throw pillow

Gene Simmons brand SUGAR: Tastes like ROCK!

I also related the long and lusty tale of the following exchange:

ME:  Gimme a kiss, baby.
Wife:  Ooh baby (kisses me)
ME:  I kinda feel like gettin’ freaky…
Wife:  Oh, really? (laughs) ‘Freaky’ is it?
ME:  Mm hm, I wanna put on a wizard robe–
Wife: Oh God! (laughs)
ME:  … and pull out my +10 Rod of Fucking–
Wife:  (screams, hits me) Stop! Stop stop…
ME:  Aw, c’mon baby…
Wife:  (stifling laughter)  I can’t believe you!
ME:  Make your save versus O-Face!
Wife:  Never say that again! (cringes)
ME:  Ahhh… what?
Wife:  No. (laughs) You’re so bad…
ME:  Damn…

And, I only embellished that story a wee bit!  The lesson to be learned is this:  She still slept with me!  Ha!   I win!  Ommmmm.

Cheers and salutations!

-BRP