re: Haiti

This.

Dear Pat Robertson,

I have something we need to tell you:  rethink this thing.  Then I realized, Glenn Beck’s testicles are just like Sid & Nancy.  Whatcha gonna do?  Lick McCain’s colostomy?  Fuck that shit!  Did you know?  Sarah Palin likes my barista toejam.

I’ll stuff your chocolate starfish with big, thick, pink marshmellows, Alzheimer’s and hot, squirty blood.  I don’t care about your problems.  But I do have some advice.  You shouldn’t be nursing conjoined sextuplets.  When you lactate does it hurt just three, or all your nipples?

Chlamydia explains nothing!  I can’t believe you believe it!  But it tastes nothing like you!  Mom thought when we were beating fish were the fun times.  Remember when we shared coffee enemas with Bob Fosse?

So, unfortunately, I’m not like you.

love,
Coffee Night

…

Well, I hope that clears up a thing or two.  Pat Robertson is a terrible example of humanity.  Haiti has clearly become the modern recipient of the short end of the stick.

-BRP

Real vs. Fictional

Oh, my aching gourd. Coffee night left my subconscious mind feeling bruised and sore. Ok, maybe I showed up a little damaged, but there was something especially odd last night. If I had to describe it, I’d make some kind of musical reference: Last night’s theme song was a David Bowie medley, performed by a TMBG/Ween jam session. There, how’s that?

Somehow, we got on the subject of ‘Real’ people versus ‘Fictional’ characters. I could reach deep down and pick out some kind of pseudo-intellectual ‘artist statement’ if you like. Hm, let’s see…

The juxtaposition of ‘Real’ versus ‘Fictional’ highlights the duality of human consciousness. The face we wear in public is always at odds with our private self. The ‘roles’ we assume in our daily relations differ little from the secrets that lie behind the masks. By highlighting the absurdist yadda yadda, blah blah, blahbity blah…

You get the picture. Hey, I’ve got an idea! Howzibout I shut up and post the Thing? Good? Here is Thing.

Action Figure Cave?!

Ladies and gentlemen, I (not so) proudly present: The ABCs of ASS!

(I couldn’t resist the temptation…)

(image from Wikipedia)

A
Ass
Action figure cave
Anus

B
Butt
Booty
Badonkadonk
Back door
Brown eye
BUHgina
Buns

C
Crack
Cavern
Cracker-ass
Chocolate starfish
Cheeks
Can

D
Derriere
Dooky machine

E
Enema zone
Ew
Excrement exit

F
Fart factory
Flesh pocket

G
Guteous

H
Heinie
Hershey highway
Humps
Hamhocks
Hot pockets

I
Ick
Ink well

J
Junk in the trunk

K
Kaboose

L
Lower lumps

M
Mudflaps
Mangina

N
No-man’s-land
Noise maker

O
O-ring
Other vagina
O-zone

P
Poopsmith
Poop chute
Park ‘n ride

Q
Quarter-pounder

R
Royale
Rump
Rump roast
Rectum

S
Situpons
Sphincter
Shitter
Sputnik
Sweet juicy ham

T
Tuchus
Toilet topper

U
Underbits
Uranus
Undercarriage

V
Vagina 2: The Sequel
VAG2

W
Waste wagon
Wagon yer draggin’
Wazoo

X
XXX*

Y
Yum-yum

Z
Zeppelin

I can’t believe I almost forgot to post this!  It might not seem significant to you, but this game holds some pretty powerful in-joke, meta-humor weirdness.  My gawd!  “Action Figure Cave”?!  Holy shit.  It’s a long story, but all I can say is this: I will never touch another, uh, used action figure if I can help it.  Ew.  Ew, with a capital WTF?

This game was just a spur-of-the-moment thing, while we were busy doing another game.  Given that, I’m pleased that we managed to nail at least one for ever letter.  Obviously we missed some, but we were just seeing what popped out.  So to speak.  (ahem)

Please – by all means – feel free to add to our collective ‘wisdom’ in the comments.  Cheers!

-BRP

PS:
“Why Zeppelin for Z?” you ask, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I say, go to hell.  Whether we’re talkin’ about Led, or the dirigible kind, it’s always classy to end with ZEPPELIN!  w00t!!!111eleven!!!

Cougar Burger

A: “… and I had a Cougar Burger –“

Me:  “Wait. You had a Cougar Burger?! Oh my god – that’s so dirty!”

A:  (laughs) “Oh, you know it is.”

E:  “Oh my god. It’s like an older woman’s BEAV!”

And so, we come to the musical portion of tonight’s festivities.  Based on idiotic morning dj “antics”:  Your Favorite Sex Act, As A Food Name.

Blow-pop
Reece’s Pieces
Double-Decker Taco
French Dipper
Stay-Puff
Quarter-Pounder with cheese
Rooty-tooty, fresh ‘n fruity
S’mores… mmm…
Monte Cristo
Mountain Dew
Hand-Dipped Milkshake
All-you-can-eat seafood platter
Cake ‘n Eggs
Fun Dip
Pie ala mode
Bullseye
Pigs in a blanket
Chocolate-covered pretzel
Hootnannies
Snickerdoodle
Cougar burger
Hungarian goulash
Fish taco (too easy!)
Fine aged cheddar
Red vines
Key lime pie
Original Grand Slam
Creamed Bagel
Stuffed french toast
Twice-baked potato
Creamed corn
Bangers and mash
Chocolate fondue
Cherry Garcia
Pulled pork

Please – PLEASE! – if you have more… don’t tell me.  I seem to have lost my appetite from just this much.  For a really funny time-waster, try to figure out who wrote down which food item.  Uh huh.  I mean, I’ll readily admit to putting down Pigs in a blanket, ok?  That’s nothing like the Double-decker taco – which is just plain disgusting.  Ew.  Oh, wait… it’s like two vaginas!  Nevermind.

-BRP

Things To Do Before You Die!

Another ABC, but this time as a list.  Ooh, we love lists…

Allow myself to do something dirty.
Blow Trevor.
Cruise in the Bahamas.
Discover what it’s like to have three wives.
Eight guys at once!
Find the little man in the sailboat.
Gestate.
Happen upon a treasure map.
Invent a new language.
Jump off a cliff into water.
Keel-haul with penile pirates.
Let somebody else drive for a change.
Make James pay for the damage to my soul.
Name a disease.
Own a medium-sized country.
Put it in the action figure cave.
Queef one million times.
Rock out with your cock out.
Seduce a kindergarten teacher.
Take candy from a baby.
Unearth El Dorado.
Virginity:  reclaim it.
Wrangle baby kittens for charity.
X-rays: get them, look at them, show them to your friends.
Yank on a fart.
Zap zappable things!

For those who are curious, “action figure cave” will become clear in the next posting.  We talked a lot about fetishes this week.  Strange, dangerous and downright wrong.  The biggest realization that I had is this:

“No matter what you are doing – at any given point during the day – someone, somewhere is will to jerk off to it.”

Think about that for awhile.  Better yet, don’t.  Just act natural.  Sure.

-BRP

Back on track

I know there was a bit of a break there. Needed to save my energy for ZombiEaster (I’m stickin’ with that excuse). I’m back and we’ve got a backlog of stuff to post! Yikes! We will begin with… a story… an ABC story, that is!

At dawn, the boy set out for the canyon.
Before he left, he kissed his mother for the last time.
“Criminy!” he ejaculated, his eyes wide with shock.
“Did that really just happen?”
“Ew dammit, let’s… let’s pretend it didn’t.”
“For the love of all that is mayo, I don’t understand.”
“Great Gatsby, you don’t have to!” I yelled.
Had I whispered, it might have been lost in the roaring wind.
I gathered my courage and screamed at the top of my lungs.
Just as my voice reached the sky, it happened!
“KRAKOW! Krakow!” answered the murderous thunder.
Lightening crashed and unicorns danced!
Men cried out in fear of a unicorn horn through the heart.
No knight was strong of spirit enough to face the magic.
Occult powers are strong!
Please don’t strike me down with your doom machine.
Queen Amadala will avenge me!
“Rock on!”
“Shazam!” roared Shazam.
Then Shazam brought forth baby kittens.
Underestimate the baby kittens and bleed from the eyes.
“Vile,” she said, “How could anyone do such a thing?”
“With great pleasure,” he replied coyly.
“‘Xactly who do you think you’re addressing, boy?”
“You, sir. You.”
Zombies shambled about us, eating away our flesh, our words… our lives.

-the end

I’m not sure what it means, but I’m happy Shazam showed up (even though his name is ‘Captain Marvel’… sheesh!).

There were a whole bunch of other things we talked about. Mostly, I recall discussing the ZombiEaster film line up. There are two other amazing things though:

‘Jager-Schlager’: The man’s man’s manly drink of DOOM.

‘Milkgina’: I think that’s self-explanatory, thank you.

Cheers!

-BRP

A B Cs of Evergreen

Anarchy begins with dreds, ends with graduation
Bullshit!
Come to seminar and listen to stoned babbling
Didactic, pedantic love finkle
Everyone has Issues…
Faculty with strange backgrounds
Ganga!
Here, burn this sweetgrass, your aura is smelly
I feel that racism is everywhere – especially at the North Pole
Just ’cause you’re smelly doesn’t mean you’re right
Kick back and become Aware
Large dropout rate
Maybe I’ll go for a dual focus; Awareness and Russian History
Never live in a kitchen-less dorm!
Organized resistance opposed to organic oppression
Pure minds get released among the crowd
Queer & here… & there… & there too
Red Square is neither red, nor square
Stupid, pointless classes
Trustifarians have all the good drugs, man
Urban sustainability
Vegan variance
Why isn’t anyone as politically correct as me?
X-rated interpretive dance is frowned upon
Young Republicans hunted like witches
Zambone-a-tron is my new legal name
Ñyet, I say, Ñyet
© my reflection paper – it’s that good
Über-trustafarians forswear bathing, until Daddy’s money dries up

Ok, ok – before anyone gets their nose outta joint, I may need to point out this little fact: about 80% of the folks who worked on this are current or former students at TESC. Ok? Chillax. Of course, the main thrust of this particular piece is dwelling on the negative, but that’s just the way art IS sometimes.

Really, it’s not Evergreen itself that we were bitching about. It wasn’t even the students. More, it was the strange mindset that some students seem to fall into. You know the kind… The change their name to something terrible, or renounce their citizenship, or go to jail for rioting and destroying a police car… and then they blame their problems on “the System”. Let me give you all a little piece of wisdom:

“Unless you’re in the hills, stockpiling weapons, you are workin’ for the Man.”

Cheers!

-BRP

I Love Shatner!

I love Shatner
I hate people without awesomeness in their soul
I love Trevor
I love to verbally pummel Trevor
You hate aurally stroking Addy
I love silently staying PAT
You hate loudly going punch
I’m a bored drinker
You are the life of the buffet
You’re killin’ the buzz over dinner
You’re keepin’ the love alive over brunch
I’m shitting on physical relationships at snack-time!
You create mental solitude for fasting
We destroy physical togetherness against overeating
Nothing is empty, everything is connected

I don’t really know what to say about this.  It reads like a love ‘manifesto’ to me.  You see?  You see how all things that flow from Shatner are GOLD?!  Yes, you see all too well…

Furthermore, I would like to make sure these notes are part of the ‘Record’:

“A good artist borrows. A genius artist steals.”  -Picaso

Dane Cook: a crappy throw pillow

Gene Simmons brand SUGAR: Tastes like ROCK!

I also related the long and lusty tale of the following exchange:

ME:  Gimme a kiss, baby.
Wife:  Ooh baby (kisses me)
ME:  I kinda feel like gettin’ freaky…
Wife:  Oh, really? (laughs) ‘Freaky’ is it?
ME:  Mm hm, I wanna put on a wizard robe–
Wife: Oh God! (laughs)
ME:  … and pull out my +10 Rod of Fucking–
Wife:  (screams, hits me) Stop! Stop stop…
ME:  Aw, c’mon baby…
Wife:  (stifling laughter)  I can’t believe you!
ME:  Make your save versus O-Face!
Wife:  Never say that again! (cringes)
ME:  Ahhh… what?
Wife:  No. (laughs) You’re so bad…
ME:  Damn…

And, I only embellished that story a wee bit!  The lesson to be learned is this:  She still slept with me!  Ha!   I win!  Ommmmm.

Cheers and salutations!

-BRP

A Month of Java!

I’ve been doing this Coffee Night blog for a month now. What have I learned? What sort of hoary wisdom can I impart to others? How have I managed to keep it up, in the face of adversity?

I’ve learned that you should never check your blog-stats, you never post death-threats (I said I was sorry!) and it’s really not that hard. You just write stuff. I really hope that some other Coffee Nighters decide to post stuff too. It’s not about me, folks, it’s about the good times. (I think)

Anyway, here’s the latest game we cracked out. I’m much happier with this than whatever Valentine’s Day stuff we could’ve done. Enjoy!

Why are you so hardcore?
Because I was caught not flushing the urinal

Why do you smell like a ’74 Chevy Nova?
Because I have anal-retentive OCD tendancies

Why do you always look so stylish?
Because I’m cold and tired and still amused

Why are you such an awesome bowler?
Cuz my sense of humor is totally off

Why do you do that voodoo you do?
Because I’m a Pisces

Why do you have such an effeminate lip ring?
Because I need a haircut

Why do you always wear a hat?
Because my ham is sweet and juicy

Why do you touch butts?
Because the seat of my bike was stolen… once

Why do you run in circles?
Because I refuse to eat seafood… for farcically moral reasons

Why are you such a totally awesome writer?
Because I have to pee, but I know I won’t enjoy it as much as I would if I had a penis

Why are you talking about this?
Because I don’t sleep very much, never have

Why did your momma let you out of the house wearing that?
Because my cat sounds like Sean Connery

This whole Q&A thing is kinda cool, I think. Maybe we should mix it up more often. It could be interesting to keep on inventing newer, weirder games. I’ll do my best to keep the gears spinning. Cheers!

-BRP