ABC Haiku Christmas

Still playing catch-up with our holiday themed weirdness.  Like so.

(pic from plasticrevolver)

A/B/C HAIKU CHRISTMAS!

Amazing presents
Before ripping them open
Cock-smear each to claim

Drafty mansion smells
Elegant decorations
Fruitcake poo all night

Great green globs of cheer
Habitate my sinuses
Icicle boogers

Just in time for gin
Kills the pain of heaving them
Loathsome is their sound

Murder most merry
No! You bastard! Don’t kill me!
O! Cruel Santa Claus

Palpatate, oh heart
Quiver with happy urges
Regurgitate love

Santa touched my stuff
“Thank you,” I told him. We smiled
Under the tree: Swag!

Vacant Christmas stares
Watching me with empty eyes
X-rays on my chest

Yellow snow is gross
Zeus versus Jesus: who wins?
Me, motherfucker

This piece of obligatory, offensive, purile and GENIUS art was actually done on Christmas Eve.  Yep, we went ahead and did Thursday Night Coffee on the most precious fucking night of the year.  I guess.

Honestly, it’s hard to pick my favorite here.  It’s tough competition between PQR & STU and the YZ* is freakin’ amazing… kinda.

-BRP

Gimme a beat!

(image: labanex)
the ABCs of Musicals We Want to Exist

(thankfully, they don’t – but we still think about them)

a)  ANIMAL!  The Musical!

b)  Berthold Brecht’s ‘BARBIE GIRL’

c)  CHILDREN OF THE CORN

d)  DUKES OF HAZZARD

e)  EASY-E: A Life In Song

f)  Fozzi Bear does ‘RENT’

g)  GRAPES OF WRATH

h)  HAMLET ON ICE

i)  INCONVENIENT TRUTH: TRUTH IN SONG

j)  JURASSIC PARK

k)  KLINGONS IN LOVE

l)  LEMURIAN DAYS, THULIAN NIGHTS

m)  MARS ATTACKS

n)  NIETZCHE! THE MUSICAL!

o)  OPTIMUS PRIME

p)  PUPPETRY OF THE PENIS – The Rock Opera

q)  Q: The Brain Behind Bond’s Gadgets

r)  RASPUTIN! The Man, The Mystery

s)  SADDAM HUSSEIN & FRIENDS!

t)  TITTIES! (how they’re awesome, why we love them & how they saved the world!)

u)  UNDERWORLD: ROCKS! ON ICE!

v)  VAMPIRELLA: DEAD SEXY

w)  WORLD WAR III (a musical history of the apocalypse, with dancing zombies)

x)  X-MEN

y)  YOUNG GUNS II

z)  ZEPPELIN: THE MUSICAL

If you’re like most people, you may wonder at some of these entries.  For example, why would you need/want a musical about Led Zeppelin?  Or a dirigible-zeppelin-balloon thingy?  Hell, you might not even know that ‘Puppetry of the Penis’ is a real book.

Wait.  If you’re really like ‘most people’, you wouldn’t be reading this…  Hm.  You must be a freaky deaky, crazy pants kinda person.  Good.  Carry on!

Oh, feel free to think of this as a ‘To-Do’ list.  In a world where ‘CARRIE: The Musical!‘ actually existed – however briefly – is one where all things are possible.

-brp

Action Figure Cave?!

Ladies and gentlemen, I (not so) proudly present: The ABCs of ASS!

(I couldn’t resist the temptation…)

(image from Wikipedia)

A
Ass
Action figure cave
Anus

B
Butt
Booty
Badonkadonk
Back door
Brown eye
BUHgina
Buns

C
Crack
Cavern
Cracker-ass
Chocolate starfish
Cheeks
Can

D
Derriere
Dooky machine

E
Enema zone
Ew
Excrement exit

F
Fart factory
Flesh pocket

G
Guteous

H
Heinie
Hershey highway
Humps
Hamhocks
Hot pockets

I
Ick
Ink well

J
Junk in the trunk

K
Kaboose

L
Lower lumps

M
Mudflaps
Mangina

N
No-man’s-land
Noise maker

O
O-ring
Other vagina
O-zone

P
Poopsmith
Poop chute
Park ‘n ride

Q
Quarter-pounder

R
Royale
Rump
Rump roast
Rectum

S
Situpons
Sphincter
Shitter
Sputnik
Sweet juicy ham

T
Tuchus
Toilet topper

U
Underbits
Uranus
Undercarriage

V
Vagina 2: The Sequel
VAG2

W
Waste wagon
Wagon yer draggin’
Wazoo

X
XXX*

Y
Yum-yum

Z
Zeppelin

I can’t believe I almost forgot to post this!  It might not seem significant to you, but this game holds some pretty powerful in-joke, meta-humor weirdness.  My gawd!  “Action Figure Cave”?!  Holy shit.  It’s a long story, but all I can say is this: I will never touch another, uh, used action figure if I can help it.  Ew.  Ew, with a capital WTF?

This game was just a spur-of-the-moment thing, while we were busy doing another game.  Given that, I’m pleased that we managed to nail at least one for ever letter.  Obviously we missed some, but we were just seeing what popped out.  So to speak.  (ahem)

Please – by all means – feel free to add to our collective ‘wisdom’ in the comments.  Cheers!

-BRP

PS:
“Why Zeppelin for Z?” you ask, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I say, go to hell.  Whether we’re talkin’ about Led, or the dirigible kind, it’s always classy to end with ZEPPELIN!  w00t!!!111eleven!!!

Things To Do Before You Die!

Another ABC, but this time as a list.  Ooh, we love lists…

Allow myself to do something dirty.
Blow Trevor.
Cruise in the Bahamas.
Discover what it’s like to have three wives.
Eight guys at once!
Find the little man in the sailboat.
Gestate.
Happen upon a treasure map.
Invent a new language.
Jump off a cliff into water.
Keel-haul with penile pirates.
Let somebody else drive for a change.
Make James pay for the damage to my soul.
Name a disease.
Own a medium-sized country.
Put it in the action figure cave.
Queef one million times.
Rock out with your cock out.
Seduce a kindergarten teacher.
Take candy from a baby.
Unearth El Dorado.
Virginity:  reclaim it.
Wrangle baby kittens for charity.
X-rays: get them, look at them, show them to your friends.
Yank on a fart.
Zap zappable things!

For those who are curious, “action figure cave” will become clear in the next posting.  We talked a lot about fetishes this week.  Strange, dangerous and downright wrong.  The biggest realization that I had is this:

“No matter what you are doing – at any given point during the day – someone, somewhere is will to jerk off to it.”

Think about that for awhile.  Better yet, don’t.  Just act natural.  Sure.

-BRP

A B Cs of Evergreen

Anarchy begins with dreds, ends with graduation
Bullshit!
Come to seminar and listen to stoned babbling
Didactic, pedantic love finkle
Everyone has Issues…
Faculty with strange backgrounds
Ganga!
Here, burn this sweetgrass, your aura is smelly
I feel that racism is everywhere – especially at the North Pole
Just ’cause you’re smelly doesn’t mean you’re right
Kick back and become Aware
Large dropout rate
Maybe I’ll go for a dual focus; Awareness and Russian History
Never live in a kitchen-less dorm!
Organized resistance opposed to organic oppression
Pure minds get released among the crowd
Queer & here… & there… & there too
Red Square is neither red, nor square
Stupid, pointless classes
Trustifarians have all the good drugs, man
Urban sustainability
Vegan variance
Why isn’t anyone as politically correct as me?
X-rated interpretive dance is frowned upon
Young Republicans hunted like witches
Zambone-a-tron is my new legal name
Ñyet, I say, Ñyet
© my reflection paper – it’s that good
Über-trustafarians forswear bathing, until Daddy’s money dries up

Ok, ok – before anyone gets their nose outta joint, I may need to point out this little fact: about 80% of the folks who worked on this are current or former students at TESC. Ok? Chillax. Of course, the main thrust of this particular piece is dwelling on the negative, but that’s just the way art IS sometimes.

Really, it’s not Evergreen itself that we were bitching about. It wasn’t even the students. More, it was the strange mindset that some students seem to fall into. You know the kind… The change their name to something terrible, or renounce their citizenship, or go to jail for rioting and destroying a police car… and then they blame their problems on “the System”. Let me give you all a little piece of wisdom:

“Unless you’re in the hills, stockpiling weapons, you are workin’ for the Man.”

Cheers!

-BRP