Backwards Letter

Note to self:

So it’s written, so it goes.  She looked good on the broom – there was Esmerelda’s fat fucking ass on the billboard – just before I saw her ad on the tv.  I laughed when it mocked me and even so, I never liked that billboard anyway.

Because of that, your uncle thinks this letter is screwed.  I think God wants to ponitificate some more.  It looked like marinated lamb dicks, with fancy mustard.  Then you offered the cat a bowl of dicks, when you were alone.  Your son doesn’t know why you would do that with the cat.

And that’s why I’m leaving you.

love,
Your Conscience

A letter to Conan O’Brien

Dear Conan O’Brien,

Eat my shit. Just kidding, I actually love more than life. Your hair is wiry, like my ropey muscles. Give me your babies! It’s time, sir, for baby makin’! But, I must refrain from telling you ’bout my secret mangina.

Let’s take a walk on the beach, with your wife and my pickle, baby. My eyes are twinklin’ cuz the stars are missing the light. It’s time go down Conan – on me. So, my sugerpussy quivers with anticipation. Work with me here.

with love,
Coffee Night

A Letter To William Shatner

Dear William Shatner,

Hello friend, I have spent many, many hours devoting my time and body fluids to your graven image. I was wondering if you’re willing to hear me beg for mercy – or we could dance by the tonsil trees and have pie, here… in my boudoir…

I dream often of your pearly beads of sweat, pooling in my closed eyelids. Suns rise and set, but our shared experience, fixed in Martha Gram’s womb, will remain forever. Do you recall the time when your hot muffin went missing in my back seat? What buttery fun! Oh, goodness yes. What a night of magic!

Let’s meet in Northern Mesopotamia and rock out, like ancient creatures of lore. But don’t forget to bring the table wax and badger meat.

Sincerely,

~the poor man’s algonquin table

This was one of our early attempts at a surreal letter. We ‘cheated’ a bit at the end there, with the signature. What’s up that ‘poor man’s algonquin table’? Well, it’d be really funny if you knew about the real Algonquin Table and the might of their assembled wit. And if you were Evan Dorkin (or the kind of person who remembers some of his most obscure comic strips), you’d feel a sort of sad pride. I think.

Seriously, though, William Shatner? He’s way cooler than I can describe. This letter is dripping with sincerity.

-BRP