The End of Men

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(transcript)

The End of Men (El libro)
*Men are unable to give birth, to keep the species going.

Having go the anus to protrude as much as possible, torment shows the transition from brilliant colour to crudely simple draughtsmanship and solidly modelled form.

However, there are certain differences in pronunciation between the spoken language.

Jo pointed, and Laurie sat up to examine; for through an opening in Mexico City, but the other one stops at Veracruz.

The 1880s were prolific years, but years of continued poverty and depression until in 1889.  Tommy Bangs will smoke sweet-fern cigars under the bedclothes,

“What does Amy call you?”

“My lord. Viola and Angelo are two of our favorite names. Isn’t that queer?” said Meg.

The intention was to cover both end walls, the one with the Fall of the Rebel Anges as the prelude to the ceiling and the other with the Last Judgment [20.12] as the consummation of the whole subject-cycle.  Then, on the third day, wash it out with a dry wine.  In Spain and in most of Spanish America, pour forth blood;

Great Scott!  I do not have much time.

This project was done in the past.  It will be discussed in the future.  At some point, someone – somewhere – will attempt to replicate the process.  It will be glorious.

-BRP

ABC Haiku Christmas

Still playing catch-up with our holiday themed weirdness.  Like so.

(pic from plasticrevolver)

A/B/C HAIKU CHRISTMAS!

Amazing presents
Before ripping them open
Cock-smear each to claim

Drafty mansion smells
Elegant decorations
Fruitcake poo all night

Great green globs of cheer
Habitate my sinuses
Icicle boogers

Just in time for gin
Kills the pain of heaving them
Loathsome is their sound

Murder most merry
No! You bastard! Don’t kill me!
O! Cruel Santa Claus

Palpatate, oh heart
Quiver with happy urges
Regurgitate love

Santa touched my stuff
“Thank you,” I told him. We smiled
Under the tree: Swag!

Vacant Christmas stares
Watching me with empty eyes
X-rays on my chest

Yellow snow is gross
Zeus versus Jesus: who wins?
Me, motherfucker

This piece of obligatory, offensive, purile and GENIUS art was actually done on Christmas Eve.  Yep, we went ahead and did Thursday Night Coffee on the most precious fucking night of the year.  I guess.

Honestly, it’s hard to pick my favorite here.  It’s tough competition between PQR & STU and the YZ* is freakin’ amazing… kinda.

-BRP

re: Haiti

This.

Dear Pat Robertson,

I have something we need to tell you:  rethink this thing.  Then I realized, Glenn Beck’s testicles are just like Sid & Nancy.  Whatcha gonna do?  Lick McCain’s colostomy?  Fuck that shit!  Did you know?  Sarah Palin likes my barista toejam.

I’ll stuff your chocolate starfish with big, thick, pink marshmellows, Alzheimer’s and hot, squirty blood.  I don’t care about your problems.  But I do have some advice.  You shouldn’t be nursing conjoined sextuplets.  When you lactate does it hurt just three, or all your nipples?

Chlamydia explains nothing!  I can’t believe you believe it!  But it tastes nothing like you!  Mom thought when we were beating fish were the fun times.  Remember when we shared coffee enemas with Bob Fosse?

So, unfortunately, I’m not like you.

love,
Coffee Night

…

Well, I hope that clears up a thing or two.  Pat Robertson is a terrible example of humanity.  Haiti has clearly become the modern recipient of the short end of the stick.

-BRP

Gimme a beat!

(image: labanex)
the ABCs of Musicals We Want to Exist

(thankfully, they don’t – but we still think about them)

a)  ANIMAL!  The Musical!

b)  Berthold Brecht’s ‘BARBIE GIRL’

c)  CHILDREN OF THE CORN

d)  DUKES OF HAZZARD

e)  EASY-E: A Life In Song

f)  Fozzi Bear does ‘RENT’

g)  GRAPES OF WRATH

h)  HAMLET ON ICE

i)  INCONVENIENT TRUTH: TRUTH IN SONG

j)  JURASSIC PARK

k)  KLINGONS IN LOVE

l)  LEMURIAN DAYS, THULIAN NIGHTS

m)  MARS ATTACKS

n)  NIETZCHE! THE MUSICAL!

o)  OPTIMUS PRIME

p)  PUPPETRY OF THE PENIS – The Rock Opera

q)  Q: The Brain Behind Bond’s Gadgets

r)  RASPUTIN! The Man, The Mystery

s)  SADDAM HUSSEIN & FRIENDS!

t)  TITTIES! (how they’re awesome, why we love them & how they saved the world!)

u)  UNDERWORLD: ROCKS! ON ICE!

v)  VAMPIRELLA: DEAD SEXY

w)  WORLD WAR III (a musical history of the apocalypse, with dancing zombies)

x)  X-MEN

y)  YOUNG GUNS II

z)  ZEPPELIN: THE MUSICAL

If you’re like most people, you may wonder at some of these entries.  For example, why would you need/want a musical about Led Zeppelin?  Or a dirigible-zeppelin-balloon thingy?  Hell, you might not even know that ‘Puppetry of the Penis’ is a real book.

Wait.  If you’re really like ‘most people’, you wouldn’t be reading this…  Hm.  You must be a freaky deaky, crazy pants kinda person.  Good.  Carry on!

Oh, feel free to think of this as a ‘To-Do’ list.  In a world where ‘CARRIE: The Musical!‘ actually existed – however briefly – is one where all things are possible.

-brp

Shakespeare -&- Moses

What do you think of Shakespeare?
Because Jesus slept with your mother.

Why is your mom such a whore for religious figures?
So’s your face.

What’s in the sauce?
Uh, I did my thesis on something completely different.

Can you elaborate on that?
Secret ninjas are the answer.

Why does Christian Bale move silently?
An adorable pussycat.

Why?
Because I said so.

What makes you such an expert?
Giving Rod Blagojevich a hand-job.

What would you sell your soul for?
Ask George Bush.

What’s the deal with airline food?
Depends on the variables…

What’s the deal with books anyway?
A baby blue robin’s egg.

Why is Miss Addy’s peanut brittle so good?
It is the madness!

What is the capital of New Mexico?
Margaritas and drag queens.

Hey sugar, what’s your name?
Because all the water was gone and Moses floated away.

Wow, look at that.  Such a nice and bizarre Q&A session.  As per usual, people writing the answers couldn’t see the question.  These are always more miss than hit, but this one turned out nicely.  It’s actually a bit more coherent than a few conversations I’ve had lately.

-BRP

A Letter to a Sick Friend

Dearest, darling Trevor,

Have Madeline put edible paint on yourself.  Here are some silly, ridiculous things to remember.   First of all, don’t let them commit you to crazification!

Nobody will know.  For fun, let’s say that we document your stupor.  Watch out, Ed McMahon live in the hospital.  So, maybe in the wee hours.  I wanted her, besides, the buttherface nurse was HAWT!  You better be careful when you drink chicken soup.  The leprechaun said, “You should know, your rats are in my novel.” “Alas! Alack! Hark!”  Then he said, she said, “The End.”  Never trust women in purple.  Watch out, because Barney is an antichrist.

When you are better, come to my orgy.  I invited you.  If you come, we can ride my favorite pony.  We love you because you’re such a little girl.

yours always,
Coffee Night

Answer The Question

Why are you so hardcore?
Becuase I was caught not flushing the urinal.

Why do you smell like a ’74 Chevy Nova?
Because I have anal retentive OCD tendencies.

Why do you always look so stylish?
Because I’m cold & tired & still amused.

Why are you such an awesome bowler?
‘Cuz my sense of humor is totally off.

Why do you do that voodoo that you do?
Because I’m a Pieces.

Why do you have such an effeminate lip-ring?
Because I need a hair cut.

Why do you always wear a hat?
Because my ham is sweet and juicy.

Why do you touch butts?
Because the seat of my bike was stolen… once.

Why do you run in circles?
Because I refuse to eat seafood… for farcically moral reasons.

Why are you such a totally awesome writer?
Because I have to pee; but I know I won’t enjoy it as much as I would if I had a penis.

Why are you talking about this?
Because I don’t sleep very much – never have.

Why did your mama let you out of the house wearing that?
Because my cat sounds like Sean Connery.

I don’t have anything of interest to add to this.  It was penned the day before Valentine’s Day of this year; I don’t know if that will help to explain it.  Please bear in mind that each writer was answering a question they had not seen.  That it flows so smooth is a matter of coincidence and a testament to the beautiful nature of our chaotic universe.  Or something.

-BRP

Real vs. Fictional

Oh, my aching gourd. Coffee night left my subconscious mind feeling bruised and sore. Ok, maybe I showed up a little damaged, but there was something especially odd last night. If I had to describe it, I’d make some kind of musical reference: Last night’s theme song was a David Bowie medley, performed by a TMBG/Ween jam session. There, how’s that?

Somehow, we got on the subject of ‘Real’ people versus ‘Fictional’ characters. I could reach deep down and pick out some kind of pseudo-intellectual ‘artist statement’ if you like. Hm, let’s see…

The juxtaposition of ‘Real’ versus ‘Fictional’ highlights the duality of human consciousness. The face we wear in public is always at odds with our private self. The ‘roles’ we assume in our daily relations differ little from the secrets that lie behind the masks. By highlighting the absurdist yadda yadda, blah blah, blahbity blah…

You get the picture. Hey, I’ve got an idea! Howzibout I shut up and post the Thing? Good? Here is Thing.

Action Figure Cave?!

Ladies and gentlemen, I (not so) proudly present: The ABCs of ASS!

(I couldn’t resist the temptation…)

(image from Wikipedia)

A
Ass
Action figure cave
Anus

B
Butt
Booty
Badonkadonk
Back door
Brown eye
BUHgina
Buns

C
Crack
Cavern
Cracker-ass
Chocolate starfish
Cheeks
Can

D
Derriere
Dooky machine

E
Enema zone
Ew
Excrement exit

F
Fart factory
Flesh pocket

G
Guteous

H
Heinie
Hershey highway
Humps
Hamhocks
Hot pockets

I
Ick
Ink well

J
Junk in the trunk

K
Kaboose

L
Lower lumps

M
Mudflaps
Mangina

N
No-man’s-land
Noise maker

O
O-ring
Other vagina
O-zone

P
Poopsmith
Poop chute
Park ‘n ride

Q
Quarter-pounder

R
Royale
Rump
Rump roast
Rectum

S
Situpons
Sphincter
Shitter
Sputnik
Sweet juicy ham

T
Tuchus
Toilet topper

U
Underbits
Uranus
Undercarriage

V
Vagina 2: The Sequel
VAG2

W
Waste wagon
Wagon yer draggin’
Wazoo

X
XXX*

Y
Yum-yum

Z
Zeppelin

I can’t believe I almost forgot to post this!  It might not seem significant to you, but this game holds some pretty powerful in-joke, meta-humor weirdness.  My gawd!  “Action Figure Cave”?!  Holy shit.  It’s a long story, but all I can say is this: I will never touch another, uh, used action figure if I can help it.  Ew.  Ew, with a capital WTF?

This game was just a spur-of-the-moment thing, while we were busy doing another game.  Given that, I’m pleased that we managed to nail at least one for ever letter.  Obviously we missed some, but we were just seeing what popped out.  So to speak.  (ahem)

Please – by all means – feel free to add to our collective ‘wisdom’ in the comments.  Cheers!

-BRP

PS:
“Why Zeppelin for Z?” you ask, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I say, go to hell.  Whether we’re talkin’ about Led, or the dirigible kind, it’s always classy to end with ZEPPELIN!  w00t!!!111eleven!!!

Cougar Burger

A: “… and I had a Cougar Burger –“

Me:  “Wait. You had a Cougar Burger?! Oh my god – that’s so dirty!”

A:  (laughs) “Oh, you know it is.”

E:  “Oh my god. It’s like an older woman’s BEAV!”

And so, we come to the musical portion of tonight’s festivities.  Based on idiotic morning dj “antics”:  Your Favorite Sex Act, As A Food Name.

Blow-pop
Reece’s Pieces
Double-Decker Taco
French Dipper
Stay-Puff
Quarter-Pounder with cheese
Rooty-tooty, fresh ‘n fruity
S’mores… mmm…
Monte Cristo
Mountain Dew
Hand-Dipped Milkshake
All-you-can-eat seafood platter
Cake ‘n Eggs
Fun Dip
Pie ala mode
Bullseye
Pigs in a blanket
Chocolate-covered pretzel
Hootnannies
Snickerdoodle
Cougar burger
Hungarian goulash
Fish taco (too easy!)
Fine aged cheddar
Red vines
Key lime pie
Original Grand Slam
Creamed Bagel
Stuffed french toast
Twice-baked potato
Creamed corn
Bangers and mash
Chocolate fondue
Cherry Garcia
Pulled pork

Please – PLEASE! – if you have more… don’t tell me.  I seem to have lost my appetite from just this much.  For a really funny time-waster, try to figure out who wrote down which food item.  Uh huh.  I mean, I’ll readily admit to putting down Pigs in a blanket, ok?  That’s nothing like the Double-decker taco – which is just plain disgusting.  Ew.  Oh, wait… it’s like two vaginas!  Nevermind.

-BRP