Gimme a beat!

(image: labanex)
the ABCs of Musicals We Want to Exist

(thankfully, they don’t – but we still think about them)

a)  ANIMAL!  The Musical!

b)  Berthold Brecht’s ‘BARBIE GIRL’

c)  CHILDREN OF THE CORN

d)  DUKES OF HAZZARD

e)  EASY-E: A Life In Song

f)  Fozzi Bear does ‘RENT’

g)  GRAPES OF WRATH

h)  HAMLET ON ICE

i)  INCONVENIENT TRUTH: TRUTH IN SONG

j)  JURASSIC PARK

k)  KLINGONS IN LOVE

l)  LEMURIAN DAYS, THULIAN NIGHTS

m)  MARS ATTACKS

n)  NIETZCHE! THE MUSICAL!

o)  OPTIMUS PRIME

p)  PUPPETRY OF THE PENIS – The Rock Opera

q)  Q: The Brain Behind Bond’s Gadgets

r)  RASPUTIN! The Man, The Mystery

s)  SADDAM HUSSEIN & FRIENDS!

t)  TITTIES! (how they’re awesome, why we love them & how they saved the world!)

u)  UNDERWORLD: ROCKS! ON ICE!

v)  VAMPIRELLA: DEAD SEXY

w)  WORLD WAR III (a musical history of the apocalypse, with dancing zombies)

x)  X-MEN

y)  YOUNG GUNS II

z)  ZEPPELIN: THE MUSICAL

If you’re like most people, you may wonder at some of these entries.  For example, why would you need/want a musical about Led Zeppelin?  Or a dirigible-zeppelin-balloon thingy?  Hell, you might not even know that ‘Puppetry of the Penis’ is a real book.

Wait.  If you’re really like ‘most people’, you wouldn’t be reading this…  Hm.  You must be a freaky deaky, crazy pants kinda person.  Good.  Carry on!

Oh, feel free to think of this as a ‘To-Do’ list.  In a world where ‘CARRIE: The Musical!‘ actually existed – however briefly – is one where all things are possible.

-brp

A Letter To William Shatner

Dear William Shatner,

Hello friend, I have spent many, many hours devoting my time and body fluids to your graven image. I was wondering if you’re willing to hear me beg for mercy – or we could dance by the tonsil trees and have pie, here… in my boudoir…

I dream often of your pearly beads of sweat, pooling in my closed eyelids. Suns rise and set, but our shared experience, fixed in Martha Gram’s womb, will remain forever. Do you recall the time when your hot muffin went missing in my back seat? What buttery fun! Oh, goodness yes. What a night of magic!

Let’s meet in Northern Mesopotamia and rock out, like ancient creatures of lore. But don’t forget to bring the table wax and badger meat.

Sincerely,

~the poor man’s algonquin table

This was one of our early attempts at a surreal letter. We ‘cheated’ a bit at the end there, with the signature. What’s up that ‘poor man’s algonquin table’? Well, it’d be really funny if you knew about the real Algonquin Table and the might of their assembled wit. And if you were Evan Dorkin (or the kind of person who remembers some of his most obscure comic strips), you’d feel a sort of sad pride. I think.

Seriously, though, William Shatner? He’s way cooler than I can describe. This letter is dripping with sincerity.

-BRP