re: Haiti

This.

Dear Pat Robertson,

I have something we need to tell you:  rethink this thing.  Then I realized, Glenn Beck’s testicles are just like Sid & Nancy.  Whatcha gonna do?  Lick McCain’s colostomy?  Fuck that shit!  Did you know?  Sarah Palin likes my barista toejam.

I’ll stuff your chocolate starfish with big, thick, pink marshmellows, Alzheimer’s and hot, squirty blood.  I don’t care about your problems.  But I do have some advice.  You shouldn’t be nursing conjoined sextuplets.  When you lactate does it hurt just three, or all your nipples?

Chlamydia explains nothing!  I can’t believe you believe it!  But it tastes nothing like you!  Mom thought when we were beating fish were the fun times.  Remember when we shared coffee enemas with Bob Fosse?

So, unfortunately, I’m not like you.

love,
Coffee Night

…

Well, I hope that clears up a thing or two.  Pat Robertson is a terrible example of humanity.  Haiti has clearly become the modern recipient of the short end of the stick.

-BRP

Opposite Tangents

Aaaaand we’re back.  With a new layout, a new lust for life and new material.  Please do let us know if you like the newness.  Please do not offer us drugs, sex or sex-drugs.  We like our naughty bits the way they are.

Hey!  This is a new game!  Just came up with a variation on the ol’ ‘Opposites’ standard.  Every third line should be a random tangent, which the line should oppisitify.  Yes, Oppositify is a perfectly cromulent word.  Enjoy!

McCain is doomed
Blessed be Obama
I am not McCain’s friend
I wanna be Obama’s friend
I definitely don’t wanna be McCain’s enemy
Palin has a moosetache!
Otters for Biden!
Ferrets against Palin!
That’s like putting lipstick on a ferret!
Sarah Palin?
Nilap Haras!
Onomatopoeia
Speaking
Signing
And then all the pink elephants came out to play
Sobriety and decorum are our standards
We are rockin’ with Dokken!
That one!
This one!
Those two
Putin rears his head!
Reagan nods off
Carter jacks off
Stephen Spielberg is an alien
But Uwe Boll is a Nazi
Stephen Spielberg is an alien
Coffee incontinence is not funny

And there you have it.  We’ll be posting more often, I hope.  Every day, if I have my druthers (and boy do I have a lot of druthers!).  Cheers!

-BRP