I Love Shatner!

I love Shatner
I hate people without awesomeness in their soul
I love Trevor
I love to verbally pummel Trevor
You hate aurally stroking Addy
I love silently staying PAT
You hate loudly going punch
I’m a bored drinker
You are the life of the buffet
You’re killin’ the buzz over dinner
You’re keepin’ the love alive over brunch
I’m shitting on physical relationships at snack-time!
You create mental solitude for fasting
We destroy physical togetherness against overeating
Nothing is empty, everything is connected

I don’t really know what to say about this.  It reads like a love ‘manifesto’ to me.  You see?  You see how all things that flow from Shatner are GOLD?!  Yes, you see all too well…

Furthermore, I would like to make sure these notes are part of the ‘Record’:

“A good artist borrows. A genius artist steals.”  -Picaso

Dane Cook: a crappy throw pillow

Gene Simmons brand SUGAR: Tastes like ROCK!

I also related the long and lusty tale of the following exchange:

ME:  Gimme a kiss, baby.
Wife:  Ooh baby (kisses me)
ME:  I kinda feel like gettin’ freaky…
Wife:  Oh, really? (laughs) ‘Freaky’ is it?
ME:  Mm hm, I wanna put on a wizard robe–
Wife: Oh God! (laughs)
ME:  … and pull out my +10 Rod of Fucking–
Wife:  (screams, hits me) Stop! Stop stop…
ME:  Aw, c’mon baby…
Wife:  (stifling laughter)  I can’t believe you!
ME:  Make your save versus O-Face!
Wife:  Never say that again! (cringes)
ME:  Ahhh… what?
Wife:  No. (laughs) You’re so bad…
ME:  Damn…

And, I only embellished that story a wee bit!  The lesson to be learned is this:  She still slept with me!  Ha!   I win!  Ommmmm.

Cheers and salutations!

-BRP

Kingdom, Phylum, Class, etc

I really don’t know what to say about this. It just… happened. It started when someone said “PENIS!”, to see a certain someone else crack up. From there, (un)natural scientific curiosity took over. For a moment, I actually felt a little sorry for the other patrons, who had to listen to us shout these out to each other.

<> <> <>

a trouble of quim
a murder of vaginas
a pod of cunts
a crock of cunts
a plethora of pussy
a flock of sniz
a tangle of twats
a mess of poon
a gargle of cooze
a gaggle of cooch
a clutch of cooze
a batch of vag
a batch of bajingo
an ogle of ovum
a school of tuna
a pack of snatch
a horde of hoo-hoo
a bushel of bush
a hive of hoochie
a sisterhood of yaya
a porche of pooter

a copse of cocks
a team of shlong
a procession of shlong
a dangle of pud
a bucket of trouser-snake
a stampede of stump
a herd of hard-on
a litter of love rod
a den of wiener
a flock of cock
a pack of babymaker
a scrote of junk
a frat of wang
a skouch of shwing-shwong
a wad of wrinklestein
a faggot of rod
a mischief of man-meat
a swarm of jimmy
a grove of peepers
a pile of penis
a pride of prick

 

I’m curious to see if there are any obvious ones that we missed. Well? Whatcha got? Cheers!

-BRP

Cruelty To Badgers

violating king’s wife
violating king’s eldest daughter
violating wife of king’s eldest son and heir
throwing offensive weapon or matter at sovereign with intent to alarm
levying war against the sovereign in his or her realm
buggery
buggery with woman
buggery with animal
buggery with man in private
bugger with man other than in private
procuring a woman who is defective
procuring a woman by false pretences
abducting unmarried girl under eighteen
procuring poison to effect miscarriage
supplying poison to procure miscarriage
placing non-human embryo in a woman
counseling female to be circumcised
riding horse furiously in street
wantonly disturbing inhabitant by knocking on door or ringing doorbell
keeping a disorderly house
obstructing railways
removing buoys
rout
affray
voyeurism
sacrilege
theft of wild creatures
theft of wild flowers
using explosive to take fish
discharging stone or missile to kill or take fish
handling salmon in suspicious circumstances
cruelty to badgers
disturbing badger when it is occupying badger lair
possessing or controlling dead badger
offering prizes to forecast result of future events
opening an incorrectly delivered postal packet
fraudulently evading bingo duty
falsely pretending to be a deserter
abstracting electricity
failure to remove disguise when required by constable
wasting police time

“From a list compiled in 2006 by British police chiefs of more than 5,000 offenses warranting that the DNA of an arrested suspect be retained for life in a national database.”

Lifted (shamefully) from Harper’s magazine.

I’m sure that the above list of offenses were just grandfathered into whatever DNA database rules the UK police were putting together.  Still and all, the list reads like poetry to me.  I laughed and laughed, when I got to “cruelty to badgers”.

Damn, I love me some medieval laws and customs.  Cheers!

-BRP

Surrealism at its Best!!!

So the song “One Toke Over the Line” Released in 1970 by Brewer & Shipley. The song started out as a joke being played at parties and was improved. When an executive from the record company heard it and pressed the issue to release it as there next single. It reach the top ten on the us charts.

One of the great things about humans is misunderstanding. Perfect example as found on The Lawrence Welk Show. Gale Farrell and Dick Dale put together a lovely rendition of this song. O and a little fun fact on why the other version is better: Jerry Garcia was brought in as a session musician and played steel guitar on this single. Enjoy Confusion. Agent King Out.

A Month of Java!

I’ve been doing this Coffee Night blog for a month now. What have I learned? What sort of hoary wisdom can I impart to others? How have I managed to keep it up, in the face of adversity?

I’ve learned that you should never check your blog-stats, you never post death-threats (I said I was sorry!) and it’s really not that hard. You just write stuff. I really hope that some other Coffee Nighters decide to post stuff too. It’s not about me, folks, it’s about the good times. (I think)

Anyway, here’s the latest game we cracked out. I’m much happier with this than whatever Valentine’s Day stuff we could’ve done. Enjoy!

Why are you so hardcore?
Because I was caught not flushing the urinal

Why do you smell like a ’74 Chevy Nova?
Because I have anal-retentive OCD tendancies

Why do you always look so stylish?
Because I’m cold and tired and still amused

Why are you such an awesome bowler?
Cuz my sense of humor is totally off

Why do you do that voodoo you do?
Because I’m a Pisces

Why do you have such an effeminate lip ring?
Because I need a haircut

Why do you always wear a hat?
Because my ham is sweet and juicy

Why do you touch butts?
Because the seat of my bike was stolen… once

Why do you run in circles?
Because I refuse to eat seafood… for farcically moral reasons

Why are you such a totally awesome writer?
Because I have to pee, but I know I won’t enjoy it as much as I would if I had a penis

Why are you talking about this?
Because I don’t sleep very much, never have

Why did your momma let you out of the house wearing that?
Because my cat sounds like Sean Connery

This whole Q&A thing is kinda cool, I think. Maybe we should mix it up more often. It could be interesting to keep on inventing newer, weirder games. I’ll do my best to keep the gears spinning. Cheers!

-BRP

What IS it?!

What is your problem?
It is but a fevered dream

What is your Halloween costume?
It is the glorious sound of baby kittens

What is your mojo filter?
It’s a bad mama-jamma

What is the meaning of life?
It is a cryin’ shame…

What is a “monster truck”?
It is BANANAS… topped with nuts and a cherry!

What is the warping of space-time?
It is the true cause of morning wood

What is in Pat’s head goo?
It constitutes a threat to our way of life

What is the sound of one hand clapping?
It is marvelous and smells like soup

What is that on your face?
It is the hottie and the nottie

What is your morality worth?
It is so incredibly awesome, I must monkey dance!

What is the bestest thing in the world?
It is undeniably hawt!

What is the secret password?
Pickle pants and blueberry pancakes!

I hope that clears things up. There was a helluva lot more coolness from Coffee Night, but it’ll have to wait until later. Cheers!

-BRP

Poot

(from Wikipedia)

Feelin’ a little punchy tonight. I’ve just got a little something short and sweet for ya. Another new SG, that we cranked out at Coffee Night. I hope it gives ya some… solace for your weary heart. Cheers.

Put in a paint shaker
Foot in a paint shaker
Foot in a booty shaker
Poot in a booty shaker
Poot in a booty Johnny’s Salt shaker
Poot in a booty shaker
Poot in a booty quaker
Poot in a booty
Poot booty
Poot fruity
Poot

It’s like a simile…

    Big props to Epic, for finally acquiring this list from his class.  “Similes and Comparisons” is the title and if I recall correctly, it’s cribbed from various ‘pulp’ novels (classic detective fiction at least).  It reads like… well, it’s like… something.

Let your eyes feast on these words.  Imagine that they describe someone in particular.

As noiseless as a finger in a glove
Lower than a badger’s balls
As systematic as a madam counting the take
About as French as a doughnut
His face was long enough to wrap twice around his neck
As much sex appeal as a turtle
A nose like a straphanger’s elbow
As clean as an angel’s neck
Smart as a hole through nothing
A face like a collapsed lung
So tight his head squeaks when he takes his hat off
As cold as a nun’s breeches
High enough to have snow on him
As shiny as a clubwoman’s nose
He sipped like a hummingbird drinking dew from a curled leaf
As gaudy as a chiropractor’s chart
A mouth like wilted lettuce
His smile was wide, about three-quarters of an inch
A thready smile
As cold as Finnegan’s feet
As rare as a fat postman
The triangular eye of a squirrel
Longer than a round trip to Siam
As cute as a washtub
Lonely as a caboose of a fifty car freight
A great long gallows of a man with a ravaged face and a haggard eye
A sea sick albatross

Wow.  What a trip, eh?  See if you can guess who the author of the majority of that is – Raymond Chandler, or Dashiell Hammett?

Hillary -vs- Obama

bottom of the cup

HEY! It’s time for more SG haiku! Yay!

kittens in mittens
what is this world coming to?
vote for Obama!

Hillary shall reign
over all the monkey towns
happy monkey dance

go-go pudding pop
sometimes a great notion
is better not done

teeth in vaginas
that sounds like a bad date dude…
Hillary’s bettah!