The Devil & The Turkey

(image: Justin Shearer)

The devil said, ‘Go fish’
The devil said, ‘Go monkeys’
The teacher yelled, ‘Stop monkeys!’
The teacher yelled, ‘Stop babies!’
The teacher yelled, ‘Stop! Rabies!’
‘Stop the teacher’ yelled rabies
‘Stop Mr. Teacher’ yelled rabies
‘Wait, Mr. Teacher!’ yelled Ryan
‘Wait mister!’ yelled Ryan
‘Wait… mister’ whispered Ryan
‘Wait… mister’ Ryan blubbered
Wait… Mr. Ryan
Wait… Mr.
No… sir.
Yes… sir!
Yes, sire!
Help, sire!
Help!
Holy God Loving Pandas
Holy Gestalt Loving Pandas Crying
What the fuck turkey crying
Crying, the turkey fucked what?
Laughing, the turkey fucked what? Where?
The fucking turkey laughed!

I don’t wanna get into a whole blame-game here, but somebody broke our fuckin’ game.  Seriously.  I dunno what was in someone’s bloodstream, but they apparently forgot what we were doing and made up their own game – halfway through.  That means they did it right, at least once, before they just decided to do whatever they wanted.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not full of fussy bitchery or anything – I think it makes things better.  Playing off internet meme #2407, I say:  “Yo dawg, we heard you like random shit. So we put some random shit in your chaos, so you can dance like a monkey while you incorporate modern tarriff restrictions on the selection of fish for hitting and kissing the tarmac.”

-BRP

These Hoary Chestnuts

(image: Rude Cactus)

And now for some time-honored haiku fun!

Santa is coming
Put more wood in the fireplace!
Put more wood in me

Eagan’s gives good shake
Hanukkah is in my cat
My manhood – engorged!

Blow him off hard, man!
Hospital – he has earned it
He died twice, beat that!

You can beat it twice
Just take your lumps and like it
Sexy lady lumps

It is cold in here
Fuck this horrible weather!
I need a hot pot

My Hanukkah snake
Jewish trousers can’t tame it!
Stop, you’re not Jewish

*I hope you enjoyed it.  We certainly did.  Cheers!

-BRP

Answer The Question

Why are you so hardcore?
Becuase I was caught not flushing the urinal.

Why do you smell like a ’74 Chevy Nova?
Because I have anal retentive OCD tendencies.

Why do you always look so stylish?
Because I’m cold & tired & still amused.

Why are you such an awesome bowler?
‘Cuz my sense of humor is totally off.

Why do you do that voodoo that you do?
Because I’m a Pieces.

Why do you have such an effeminate lip-ring?
Because I need a hair cut.

Why do you always wear a hat?
Because my ham is sweet and juicy.

Why do you touch butts?
Because the seat of my bike was stolen… once.

Why do you run in circles?
Because I refuse to eat seafood… for farcically moral reasons.

Why are you such a totally awesome writer?
Because I have to pee; but I know I won’t enjoy it as much as I would if I had a penis.

Why are you talking about this?
Because I don’t sleep very much – never have.

Why did your mama let you out of the house wearing that?
Because my cat sounds like Sean Connery.

I don’t have anything of interest to add to this.  It was penned the day before Valentine’s Day of this year; I don’t know if that will help to explain it.  Please bear in mind that each writer was answering a question they had not seen.  That it flows so smooth is a matter of coincidence and a testament to the beautiful nature of our chaotic universe.  Or something.

-BRP

Electoral Frottage!

Personally, I like the idea of ‘Electoral Frottage’.  Ya know, the “non-penatrative sex” kind.  It’s a good metaphor about our national politics.  I sort of feel like that from time to time – as if I were the victim of some kind of fully clothed sexual/political assault.  Oh, I’m sorry – a ‘survivor’.  Well, so far…

(I removed the photos -BRP Jan ’09)

Look!  We have topical haiku madness!  Surreal, sublime and scatalogical.  Mm mm, good.

Don’t besmirch the hat
I’m the vice-president of you
Pork pie politics

Blue boxes open
Satan’s puppies want a home
In downtown L.A.

Beer is amazing!
The balm that soothes memory
Bite the hand that feeds

Feed the dog that bites
Bite the dog that pees on you
John Holmes saves the day

Penis twice a day
Makes the doctor stay away
My pancreas hurts

I sure do not know
Why the way you did it is
The eye of the tiger

And we’re done.  I don’t know why, but “pork pie politics” is too damned funny.  Maybe it’s because of the power of my own hat.  Hey!  You know what?  You should leave a comment, even if it’s just to insult my hat, or whatever.  And that is my desperate plea for attention for the day.  Cheers!

-BRP

Stephen Hawking to Messiah

Oh hellZ yeah!  The geek gloves are comin’ off!  Give it up, for MC Hawking!

You brought Stephen Hawking to the table
You brought Stephen Hawking to bed
Elvis brought Stephen Hawking to bed
Elvis loves Stephen in bed
Elvis is Stephen in bed
Elvis is courage in bed
Elvis is in bed
Elvis is in Fred
Elvis is Fred
Fred is an ass-hat
Fred has a hat
Fred has a man
Airwolf has a man
Airwolf has a ham
Starfox was a ham
Starfox was a lamb
Star was a fox
Starfox was a fox
Starfox was a Messiah
Starfox was the Messiah
The Messiah was Starfox
The Messiah was Paul

I don’t know about you, but that was pretty hot ‘n tasty for me.  Mm-hm.  Sweet, sexy Stephen Hawking sure does satisfy.  Oh no, no, no – I think there’s something wrong with YOU.  Yeah.  How ya like that?  Uh huh.

-BRP

Opposite Tangents

Aaaaand we’re back.  With a new layout, a new lust for life and new material.  Please do let us know if you like the newness.  Please do not offer us drugs, sex or sex-drugs.  We like our naughty bits the way they are.

Hey!  This is a new game!  Just came up with a variation on the ol’ ‘Opposites’ standard.  Every third line should be a random tangent, which the line should oppisitify.  Yes, Oppositify is a perfectly cromulent word.  Enjoy!

McCain is doomed
Blessed be Obama
I am not McCain’s friend
I wanna be Obama’s friend
I definitely don’t wanna be McCain’s enemy
Palin has a moosetache!
Otters for Biden!
Ferrets against Palin!
That’s like putting lipstick on a ferret!
Sarah Palin?
Nilap Haras!
Onomatopoeia
Speaking
Signing
And then all the pink elephants came out to play
Sobriety and decorum are our standards
We are rockin’ with Dokken!
That one!
This one!
Those two
Putin rears his head!
Reagan nods off
Carter jacks off
Stephen Spielberg is an alien
But Uwe Boll is a Nazi
Stephen Spielberg is an alien
Coffee incontinence is not funny

And there you have it.  We’ll be posting more often, I hope.  Every day, if I have my druthers (and boy do I have a lot of druthers!).  Cheers!

-BRP

Texas Cult Remix

Maybe it’s just me, but everywhere I look, the world seems more and more insane.  Corn production is eaten up by bio-diesel, which causes starvation.  Japan is out of cheese.  The price of rice (RICE, for Bob’s sake!) has skyrocketed.  Meat prices are at an all-time high, but Canada is paying pig ranchers to kill off their stock.  And, of course, there are the cults.

Russian doomsday cults in caves, Japanese death cults in subways, US racist cults in silos…  At least the creepy Mormon cults are getting their day in the sun.  Child-brides and forced family swapping, all led by a charismatic and tyrannical Father.

Praise Eris, that the internet is there to provide context.  Understanding.  Solace.

Ahhhh… that makes everything feel much better.  Thanks internet!

-BRP

PS:  Jon ‘Baldy’ Gates will be at java – tomorrow night.  You have been warned…

Charlie Rose

Submitted without comment. Except this one. And that one. Oh, hell, so there are a few comments. Enjoy.

“Steve is not happy with the… process so far.”

-BRP

Real vs. Fictional

Oh, my aching gourd. Coffee night left my subconscious mind feeling bruised and sore. Ok, maybe I showed up a little damaged, but there was something especially odd last night. If I had to describe it, I’d make some kind of musical reference: Last night’s theme song was a David Bowie medley, performed by a TMBG/Ween jam session. There, how’s that?

Somehow, we got on the subject of ‘Real’ people versus ‘Fictional’ characters. I could reach deep down and pick out some kind of pseudo-intellectual ‘artist statement’ if you like. Hm, let’s see…

The juxtaposition of ‘Real’ versus ‘Fictional’ highlights the duality of human consciousness. The face we wear in public is always at odds with our private self. The ‘roles’ we assume in our daily relations differ little from the secrets that lie behind the masks. By highlighting the absurdist yadda yadda, blah blah, blahbity blah…

You get the picture. Hey, I’ve got an idea! Howzibout I shut up and post the Thing? Good? Here is Thing.

Action Figure Cave?!

Ladies and gentlemen, I (not so) proudly present: The ABCs of ASS!

(I couldn’t resist the temptation…)

(image from Wikipedia)

A
Ass
Action figure cave
Anus

B
Butt
Booty
Badonkadonk
Back door
Brown eye
BUHgina
Buns

C
Crack
Cavern
Cracker-ass
Chocolate starfish
Cheeks
Can

D
Derriere
Dooky machine

E
Enema zone
Ew
Excrement exit

F
Fart factory
Flesh pocket

G
Guteous

H
Heinie
Hershey highway
Humps
Hamhocks
Hot pockets

I
Ick
Ink well

J
Junk in the trunk

K
Kaboose

L
Lower lumps

M
Mudflaps
Mangina

N
No-man’s-land
Noise maker

O
O-ring
Other vagina
O-zone

P
Poopsmith
Poop chute
Park ‘n ride

Q
Quarter-pounder

R
Royale
Rump
Rump roast
Rectum

S
Situpons
Sphincter
Shitter
Sputnik
Sweet juicy ham

T
Tuchus
Toilet topper

U
Underbits
Uranus
Undercarriage

V
Vagina 2: The Sequel
VAG2

W
Waste wagon
Wagon yer draggin’
Wazoo

X
XXX*

Y
Yum-yum

Z
Zeppelin

I can’t believe I almost forgot to post this!  It might not seem significant to you, but this game holds some pretty powerful in-joke, meta-humor weirdness.  My gawd!  “Action Figure Cave”?!  Holy shit.  It’s a long story, but all I can say is this: I will never touch another, uh, used action figure if I can help it.  Ew.  Ew, with a capital WTF?

This game was just a spur-of-the-moment thing, while we were busy doing another game.  Given that, I’m pleased that we managed to nail at least one for ever letter.  Obviously we missed some, but we were just seeing what popped out.  So to speak.  (ahem)

Please – by all means – feel free to add to our collective ‘wisdom’ in the comments.  Cheers!

-BRP

PS:
“Why Zeppelin for Z?” you ask, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I say, go to hell.  Whether we’re talkin’ about Led, or the dirigible kind, it’s always classy to end with ZEPPELIN!  w00t!!!111eleven!!!