Picky Sins

I’m not picky
I’m not plucky
I’m not funky
I’m super funky
I’m super
I’m super-duper
I’m super-uper-duper!
I’m super-uper-fly!
I super fly
Superman flies
Super man-flies
Superman died
Superman died for you!
Superman died for all of us
The Wondertwins died for all of us
The Wondertwins died for all our sins
The Wondertwins: For all of our sins!
All of our sins have wonderful twins

(image: paolo.barcellos, Flickr)

I love to try and piece together the strange mental leaps that occur in these games.  Just reading the first and final lines always gives me a tiny thrill.  Cognitive dissonance?  Yay?  The Superman lines remind me of Chris Ware – and his penchant for using Superman-as-God in his comics.  Brilliant stuff.

-BRP

Equinox Haiku Orgy

This is crazy time
Batshit can be loads of fun!
I am the walrus

 

Pat is the walrus
His tusks are not just for show
Blood waters clover

Hot coconut bras
Nasty, juicy maracas
Make me dance funny

<> <> <>

Convicts do the jive
Baby shake your tail feather
The tail feather is!

The cat hides at night
He is the kitten savior
Shatner loves his pussy

(image: BitchBuzz, Flickr)

Haiku are always so strange.  Sometimes they flow with a perfect rhythm and other times they fall like a brick dropped on a pile of dog shit.  Since these were all created via some communal-mind, addled by copious amounts of coffee, I think I can overlook some of the defects.  After all, it delivered perhaps the Greatest Shatner Haiku of all time.  That counts for a lot.

-BRP

Thunder & Smoke

(image: NASA; public domain)

Listen to my thunder
Cherish silence
Kick, wham, pow!
Kiss, slap & tickle…
Punch, maim, strangle
My belly is full of love
I exude hate
Your love belly explodes with jiggly joy
Salmon are very good to their mothers
My salmon don’t need no baby daddy
The eagle is our sky mother
Brain monkeys love chlorine
Unintelligent mouse lemurs have intense dislike of fresh water
Creatively-inclined monster squids adore hot tubs
What’s that you’re doing?
This wasn’t my idea!
I’m always the one who comes up with stuff!
Do not go softly into that banana hammock
Thrust hard into life’s plush mattress!
Caress the dandy lion of death
Crack doesn’t count
Have you seen your butt on crack? It matters
Ass drugs are irrelevant to this conversation
Can you dance the Merengue in a space suit
You can dance if you want to, you can leave your friends behind
Be a wallflower at your foes’ party
If she smokes, she pokes!

Another new one – fresh off the cerebral cortex!  Or something.  This time it’s a patented blend of opposites and tangents, carefully formulated to make you go ‘WTF?’ – at least, it could be.

More soon.  Lots of catching up to do.

-BRP

A Letter to a Sick Friend

Dearest, darling Trevor,

Have Madeline put edible paint on yourself.  Here are some silly, ridiculous things to remember.   First of all, don’t let them commit you to crazification!

Nobody will know.  For fun, let’s say that we document your stupor.  Watch out, Ed McMahon live in the hospital.  So, maybe in the wee hours.  I wanted her, besides, the buttherface nurse was HAWT!  You better be careful when you drink chicken soup.  The leprechaun said, “You should know, your rats are in my novel.” “Alas! Alack! Hark!”  Then he said, she said, “The End.”  Never trust women in purple.  Watch out, because Barney is an antichrist.

When you are better, come to my orgy.  I invited you.  If you come, we can ride my favorite pony.  We love you because you’re such a little girl.

yours always,
Coffee Night

DOWN is not the opposite of UP

I
I am
I am coming
I am coming back
I am coming backwards

HA! New posts coming soon.
-BRP

Answer The Question

Why are you so hardcore?
Becuase I was caught not flushing the urinal.

Why do you smell like a ’74 Chevy Nova?
Because I have anal retentive OCD tendencies.

Why do you always look so stylish?
Because I’m cold & tired & still amused.

Why are you such an awesome bowler?
‘Cuz my sense of humor is totally off.

Why do you do that voodoo that you do?
Because I’m a Pieces.

Why do you have such an effeminate lip-ring?
Because I need a hair cut.

Why do you always wear a hat?
Because my ham is sweet and juicy.

Why do you touch butts?
Because the seat of my bike was stolen… once.

Why do you run in circles?
Because I refuse to eat seafood… for farcically moral reasons.

Why are you such a totally awesome writer?
Because I have to pee; but I know I won’t enjoy it as much as I would if I had a penis.

Why are you talking about this?
Because I don’t sleep very much – never have.

Why did your mama let you out of the house wearing that?
Because my cat sounds like Sean Connery.

I don’t have anything of interest to add to this.  It was penned the day before Valentine’s Day of this year; I don’t know if that will help to explain it.  Please bear in mind that each writer was answering a question they had not seen.  That it flows so smooth is a matter of coincidence and a testament to the beautiful nature of our chaotic universe.  Or something.

-BRP

Electoral Frottage!

Personally, I like the idea of ‘Electoral Frottage’.  Ya know, the “non-penatrative sex” kind.  It’s a good metaphor about our national politics.  I sort of feel like that from time to time – as if I were the victim of some kind of fully clothed sexual/political assault.  Oh, I’m sorry – a ‘survivor’.  Well, so far…

(I removed the photos -BRP Jan ’09)

Look!  We have topical haiku madness!  Surreal, sublime and scatalogical.  Mm mm, good.

Don’t besmirch the hat
I’m the vice-president of you
Pork pie politics

Blue boxes open
Satan’s puppies want a home
In downtown L.A.

Beer is amazing!
The balm that soothes memory
Bite the hand that feeds

Feed the dog that bites
Bite the dog that pees on you
John Holmes saves the day

Penis twice a day
Makes the doctor stay away
My pancreas hurts

I sure do not know
Why the way you did it is
The eye of the tiger

And we’re done.  I don’t know why, but “pork pie politics” is too damned funny.  Maybe it’s because of the power of my own hat.  Hey!  You know what?  You should leave a comment, even if it’s just to insult my hat, or whatever.  And that is my desperate plea for attention for the day.  Cheers!

-BRP

Stephen Hawking to Messiah

Oh hellZ yeah!  The geek gloves are comin’ off!  Give it up, for MC Hawking!

You brought Stephen Hawking to the table
You brought Stephen Hawking to bed
Elvis brought Stephen Hawking to bed
Elvis loves Stephen in bed
Elvis is Stephen in bed
Elvis is courage in bed
Elvis is in bed
Elvis is in Fred
Elvis is Fred
Fred is an ass-hat
Fred has a hat
Fred has a man
Airwolf has a man
Airwolf has a ham
Starfox was a ham
Starfox was a lamb
Star was a fox
Starfox was a fox
Starfox was a Messiah
Starfox was the Messiah
The Messiah was Starfox
The Messiah was Paul

I don’t know about you, but that was pretty hot ‘n tasty for me.  Mm-hm.  Sweet, sexy Stephen Hawking sure does satisfy.  Oh no, no, no – I think there’s something wrong with YOU.  Yeah.  How ya like that?  Uh huh.

-BRP

Opposite Tangents

Aaaaand we’re back.  With a new layout, a new lust for life and new material.  Please do let us know if you like the newness.  Please do not offer us drugs, sex or sex-drugs.  We like our naughty bits the way they are.

Hey!  This is a new game!  Just came up with a variation on the ol’ ‘Opposites’ standard.  Every third line should be a random tangent, which the line should oppisitify.  Yes, Oppositify is a perfectly cromulent word.  Enjoy!

McCain is doomed
Blessed be Obama
I am not McCain’s friend
I wanna be Obama’s friend
I definitely don’t wanna be McCain’s enemy
Palin has a moosetache!
Otters for Biden!
Ferrets against Palin!
That’s like putting lipstick on a ferret!
Sarah Palin?
Nilap Haras!
Onomatopoeia
Speaking
Signing
And then all the pink elephants came out to play
Sobriety and decorum are our standards
We are rockin’ with Dokken!
That one!
This one!
Those two
Putin rears his head!
Reagan nods off
Carter jacks off
Stephen Spielberg is an alien
But Uwe Boll is a Nazi
Stephen Spielberg is an alien
Coffee incontinence is not funny

And there you have it.  We’ll be posting more often, I hope.  Every day, if I have my druthers (and boy do I have a lot of druthers!).  Cheers!

-BRP

Kiss me, you fool!

Because I care.  That’s why.

Posting to resume in ten… nine… eight… several… many…

-BRP