Backwards Letter

Note to self:

So it’s written, so it goes.  She looked good on the broom - there was Esmerelda’s fat fucking ass on the billboard - just before I saw her ad on the tv.  I laughed when it mocked me and even so, I never liked that billboard anyway.

Because of that, your uncle thinks this letter is screwed.  I think God wants to ponitificate some more.  It looked like marinated lamb dicks, with fancy mustard.  Then you offered the cat a bowl of dicks, when you were alone.  Your son doesn’t know why you would do that with the cat.

And that’s why I’m leaving you.

love,
Your Conscience

The Naked & the Surreal

Things have been more hectic than usual.  Babies.  Festivals.  Existential angst.  Somewhere along the line, the motherfucking SUN came out to play.  Good times…

Posting will resume soon - and with a goddamn vengeance!  I’ve got a backlog of crazy shit to post, so hold on to your hat.  The ride will be bumpy and you must be this tall to climb aboard.

Cheers!

-BRP

For The Love Of Coffee

Sorry for the interruption of posting.  Back into the grind now and I’ve got quite a backlog of material!  Cheerio and all that.

I was wrong
I was wrong… NOT
I was wrong, not prolapsed
Prolapsed?  I was robbed!
Tea-bagging?  I was robbed!
Tea-bagging - he did it and robbed
Tea-bagging ~ we did it to Bob
Tea-bagging ~ we did it to get a response
Tea-bagging ~ we did it to get a job
Coffee percolating ~ they did it to keep their job
They did it to percolate coffee
They did it to percolate love
They did it to percolate in my love
They filtered it to percolate in my love
They filtered it to assassinate my love
They assassinated my love!
They assassinated love!
John Tesh assassinated love!
John Tesh assassinated
John Tesh

Assassin? (pic swiped from The Johnny Foreigner)

This particular piece of surreal oddness is very special.  It features the handiwork of one of Thursday Night Coffee’s founding members - Jon Mikel! - on a return visit from the land of maple syrup.  He and Colleen came out to visit and convert the heathens to the Way of Comics.  I think they did a fine job.  They’re safely back in the embrace of Vermont now, but at least we got to see them for a bit.

That’s all for now.  Cheers!

-BRP

Texas Cult Remix

Maybe it’s just me, but everywhere I look, the world seems more and more insane.  Corn production is eaten up by bio-diesel, which causes starvation.  Japan is out of cheese.  The price of rice (RICE, for Bob’s sake!) has skyrocketed.  Meat prices are at an all-time high, but Canada is paying pig ranchers to kill off their stock.  And, of course, there are the cults.

Russian doomsday cults in caves, Japanese death cults in subways, US racist cults in silos…  At least the creepy Mormon cults are getting their day in the sun.  Child-brides and forced family swapping, all led by a charismatic and tyrannical Father.

Praise Eris, that the internet is there to provide context.  Understanding.  Solace.

Ahhhh… that makes everything feel much better.  Thanks internet!

-BRP

PS:  Jon ‘Baldy’ Gates will be at java - tomorrow night.  You have been warned…

Charlie Rose

Submitted without comment. Except this one. And that one. Oh, hell, so there are a few comments. Enjoy.

“Steve is not happy with the… process so far.”

-BRP

Real vs. Fictional

Oh, my aching gourd. Coffee night left my subconscious mind feeling bruised and sore. Ok, maybe I showed up a little damaged, but there was something especially odd last night. If I had to describe it, I’d make some kind of musical reference: Last night’s theme song was a David Bowie medley, performed by a TMBG/Ween jam session. There, how’s that?

Somehow, we got on the subject of ‘Real’ people versus ‘Fictional’ characters. I could reach deep down and pick out some kind of pseudo-intellectual ‘artist statement’ if you like. Hm, let’s see…

The juxtaposition of ‘Real’ versus ‘Fictional’ highlights the duality of human consciousness. The face we wear in public is always at odds with our private self. The ‘roles’ we assume in our daily relations differ little from the secrets that lie behind the masks. By highlighting the absurdist yadda yadda, blah blah, blahbity blah…

You get the picture. Hey, I’ve got an idea! Howzibout I shut up and post the Thing? Good? Here is Thing.

Action Figure Cave?!

Ladies and gentlemen, I (not so) proudly present: The ABCs of ASS!

(I couldn’t resist the temptation…)

(image from Wikipedia)

A
Ass
Action figure cave
Anus

B
Butt
Booty
Badonkadonk
Back door
Brown eye
BUHgina
Buns

C
Crack
Cavern
Cracker-ass
Chocolate starfish
Cheeks
Can

D
Derriere
Dooky machine

E
Enema zone
Ew
Excrement exit

F
Fart factory
Flesh pocket

G
Guteous

H
Heinie
Hershey highway
Humps
Hamhocks
Hot pockets

I
Ick
Ink well

J
Junk in the trunk

K
Kaboose

L
Lower lumps

M
Mudflaps
Mangina

N
No-man’s-land
Noise maker

O
O-ring
Other vagina
O-zone

P
Poopsmith
Poop chute
Park ‘n ride

Q
Quarter-pounder

R
Royale
Rump
Rump roast
Rectum

S
Situpons
Sphincter
Shitter
Sputnik
Sweet juicy ham

T
Tuchus
Toilet topper

U
Underbits
Uranus
Undercarriage

V
Vagina 2: The Sequel
VAG2

W
Waste wagon
Wagon yer draggin’
Wazoo

X
XXX*

Y
Yum-yum

Z
Zeppelin

I can’t believe I almost forgot to post this!  It might not seem significant to you, but this game holds some pretty powerful in-joke, meta-humor weirdness.  My gawd!  “Action Figure Cave”?!  Holy shit.  It’s a long story, but all I can say is this: I will never touch another, uh, used action figure if I can help it.  Ew.  Ew, with a capital WTF?

This game was just a spur-of-the-moment thing, while we were busy doing another game.  Given that, I’m pleased that we managed to nail at least one for ever letter.  Obviously we missed some, but we were just seeing what popped out.  So to speak.  (ahem)

Please - by all means - feel free to add to our collective ‘wisdom’ in the comments.  Cheers!

-BRP
PS:
“Why Zeppelin for Z?” you ask, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I say, go to hell.  Whether we’re talkin’ about Led, or the dirigible kind, it’s always classy to end with ZEPPELIN!  w00t!!!111eleven!!!

Cougar Burger

(image from http://eats.beloblog.com)

A: “… and I had a Cougar Burger –”

Me:  “Wait. You had a Cougar Burger?! Oh my god - that’s so dirty!”

A:  (laughs) “Oh, you know it is.”

E:  “Oh my god. It’s like an older woman’s BEAV!”

And so, we come to the musical portion of tonight’s festivities.  Based on idiotic morning dj “antics”:  Your Favorite Sex Act, As A Food Name.

Blow-pop
Reece’s Pieces
Double-Decker Taco
French Dipper
Stay-Puff
Quarter-Pounder with cheese
Rooty-tooty, fresh ‘n fruity
S’mores… mmm…
Monte Cristo
Mountain Dew
Hand-Dipped Milkshake
All-you-can-eat seafood platter
Cake ‘n Eggs
Fun Dip
Pie ala mode
Bullseye
Pigs in a blanket
Chocolate-covered pretzel
Hootnannies
Snickerdoodle
Cougar burger
Hungarian goulash
Fish taco (too easy!)
Fine aged cheddar
Red vines
Key lime pie
Original Grand Slam
Creamed Bagel
Stuffed french toast
Twice-baked potato
Creamed corn
Bangers and mash
Chocolate fondue
Cherry Garcia
Pulled pork

Please - PLEASE! - if you have more… don’t tell me.  I seem to have lost my appetite from just this much.  For a really funny time-waster, try to figure out who wrote down which food item.  Uh huh.  I mean, I’ll readily admit to putting down Pigs in a blanket, ok?  That’s nothing like the Double-decker taco - which is just plain disgusting.  Ew.  Oh, wait… it’s like two vaginas!  Nevermind.

-BRP

Things To Do Before You Die!

    Another ABC, but this time as a list.  Ooh, we love lists…

Allow myself to do something dirty.
Blow Trevor.
Cruise in the Bahamas.
Discover what it’s like to have three wives.
Eight guys at once!
Find the little man in the sailboat.
Gestate.
Happen upon a treasure map.
Invent a new language.
Jump off a cliff into water.
Keel-haul with penile pirates.
Let somebody else drive for a change.
Make James pay for the damage to my soul.
Name a disease.
Own a medium-sized country.
Put it in the action figure cave.
Queef one million times.
Rock out with your cock out.
Seduce a kindergarten teacher.
Take candy from a baby.
Unearth El Dorado.
Virginity:  reclaim it.
Wrangle baby kittens for charity.
X-rays: get them, look at them, show them to your friends.
Yank on a fart.
Zap zappable things!

For those who are curious, “action figure cave” will become clear in the next posting.  We talked a lot about fetishes this week.  Strange, dangerous and downright wrong.  The biggest realization that I had is this:

“No matter what you are doing - at any given point during the day - someone, somewhere is will to jerk off to it.”

Think about that for awhile.  Better yet, don’t.  Just act natural.  Sure.

-BRP

Back on track

I know there was a bit of a break there. Needed to save my energy for ZombiEaster (I’m stickin’ with that excuse). I’m back and we’ve got a backlog of stuff to post! Yikes! We will begin with… a story… an ABC story, that is!

At dawn, the boy set out for the canyon.
Before he left, he kissed his mother for the last time.
“Criminy!” he ejaculated, his eyes wide with shock.
“Did that really just happen?”
“Ew dammit, let’s… let’s pretend it didn’t.”
“For the love of all that is mayo, I don’t understand.”
“Great Gatsby, you don’t have to!” I yelled.
Had I whispered, it might have been lost in the roaring wind.
I gathered my courage and screamed at the top of my lungs.
Just as my voice reached the sky, it happened!
“KRAKOW! Krakow!” answered the murderous thunder.
Lightening crashed and unicorns danced!
Men cried out in fear of a unicorn horn through the heart.
No knight was strong of spirit enough to face the magic.
Occult powers are strong!
Please don’t strike me down with your doom machine.
Queen Amadala will avenge me!
“Rock on!”
“Shazam!” roared Shazam.
Then Shazam brought forth baby kittens.
Underestimate the baby kittens and bleed from the eyes.
“Vile,” she said, “How could anyone do such a thing?”
“With great pleasure,” he replied coyly.
“‘Xactly who do you think you’re addressing, boy?”
“You, sir. You.”
Zombies shambled about us, eating away our flesh, our words… our lives.

-the end

I’m not sure what it means, but I’m happy Shazam showed up (even though his name is ‘Captain Marvel’… sheesh!).

There were a whole bunch of other things we talked about. Mostly, I recall discussing the ZombiEaster film line up. There are two other amazing things though:

‘Jager-Schlager’: The man’s man’s manly drink of DOOM.

‘Milkgina’: I think that’s self-explanatory, thank you.

Cheers!

-BRP