Answer The Question

Why are you so hardcore?
Becuase I was caught not flushing the urinal.

Why do you smell like a ‘74 Chevy Nova?
Because I have anal retentive OCD tendencies.

Why do you always look so stylish?
Because I’m cold & tired & still amused.

Why are you such an awesome bowler?
‘Cuz my sense of humor is totally off.

Why do you do that voodoo that you do?
Because I’m a Pieces.

Why do you have such an effeminate lip-ring?
Because I need a hair cut.

Why do you always wear a hat?
Because my ham is sweet and juicy.

Why do you touch butts?
Because the seat of my bike was stolen… once.

Why do you run in circles?
Because I refuse to eat seafood… for farcically moral reasons.

Why are you such a totally awesome writer?
Because I have to pee; but I know I won’t enjoy it as much as I would if I had a penis.

Why are you talking about this?
Because I don’t sleep very much – never have.

Why did your mama let you out of the house wearing that?
Because my cat sounds like Sean Connery.

I don’t have anything of interest to add to this.  It was penned the day before Valentine’s Day of this year; I don’t know if that will help to explain it.  Please bear in mind that each writer was answering a question they had not seen.  That it flows so smooth is a matter of coincidence and a testament to the beautiful nature of our chaotic universe.  Or something.

-BRP

Electoral Frottage!

Personally, I like the idea of ‘Electoral Frottage’.  Ya know, the “non-penatrative sex” kind.  It’s a good metaphor about our national politics.  I sort of feel like that from time to time – as if I were the victim of some kind of fully clothed sexual/political assault.  Oh, I’m sorry – a ’survivor’.  Well, so far…

(I removed the photos -BRP Jan ‘09)

Look!  We have topical haiku madness!  Surreal, sublime and scatalogical.  Mm mm, good.

Don’t besmirch the hat
I’m the vice-president of you
Pork pie politics

Blue boxes open
Satan’s puppies want a home
In downtown L.A.

Beer is amazing!
The balm that soothes memory
Bite the hand that feeds

Feed the dog that bites
Bite the dog that pees on you
John Holmes saves the day

Penis twice a day
Makes the doctor stay away
My pancreas hurts

I sure do not know
Why the way you did it is
The eye of the tiger

And we’re done.  I don’t know why, but “pork pie politics” is too damned funny.  Maybe it’s because of the power of my own hat.  Hey!  You know what?  You should leave a comment, even if it’s just to insult my hat, or whatever.  And that is my desperate plea for attention for the day.  Cheers!

-BRP

Stephen Hawking to Messiah

Oh hellZ yeah!  The geek gloves are comin’ off!  Give it up, for MC Hawking!

You brought Stephen Hawking to the table
You brought Stephen Hawking to bed
Elvis brought Stephen Hawking to bed
Elvis loves Stephen in bed
Elvis is Stephen in bed
Elvis is courage in bed
Elvis is in bed
Elvis is in Fred
Elvis is Fred
Fred is an ass-hat
Fred has a hat
Fred has a man
Airwolf has a man
Airwolf has a ham
Starfox was a ham
Starfox was a lamb
Star was a fox
Starfox was a fox
Starfox was a Messiah
Starfox was the Messiah
The Messiah was Starfox
The Messiah was Paul

I don’t know about you, but that was pretty hot ‘n tasty for me.  Mm-hm.  Sweet, sexy Stephen Hawking sure does satisfy.  Oh no, no, no – I think there’s something wrong with YOU.  Yeah.  How ya like that?  Uh huh.

-BRP

Opposite Tangents

Aaaaand we’re back.  With a new layout, a new lust for life and new material.  Please do let us know if you like the newness.  Please do not offer us drugs, sex or sex-drugs.  We like our naughty bits the way they are.

Hey!  This is a new game!  Just came up with a variation on the ol’ ‘Opposites’ standard.  Every third line should be a random tangent, which the line should oppisitify.  Yes, Oppositify is a perfectly cromulent word.  Enjoy!

McCain is doomed
Blessed be Obama
I am not McCain’s friend
I wanna be Obama’s friend
I definitely don’t wanna be McCain’s enemy
Palin has a moosetache!
Otters for Biden!
Ferrets against Palin!
That’s like putting lipstick on a ferret!
Sarah Palin?
Nilap Haras!
Onomatopoeia
Speaking
Signing
And then all the pink elephants came out to play
Sobriety and decorum are our standards
We are rockin’ with Dokken!
That one!
This one!
Those two
Putin rears his head!
Reagan nods off
Carter jacks off
Stephen Spielberg is an alien
But Uwe Boll is a Nazi
Stephen Spielberg is an alien
Coffee incontinence is not funny

And there you have it.  We’ll be posting more often, I hope.  Every day, if I have my druthers (and boy do I have a lot of druthers!).  Cheers!

-BRP

Kiss me, you fool!

Because I care.  That’s why.

Posting to resume in ten… nine… eight… several… many…

-BRP

Backwards Letter

Note to self:

So it’s written, so it goes.  She looked good on the broom – there was Esmerelda’s fat fucking ass on the billboard – just before I saw her ad on the tv.  I laughed when it mocked me and even so, I never liked that billboard anyway.

Because of that, your uncle thinks this letter is screwed.  I think God wants to ponitificate some more.  It looked like marinated lamb dicks, with fancy mustard.  Then you offered the cat a bowl of dicks, when you were alone.  Your son doesn’t know why you would do that with the cat.

And that’s why I’m leaving you.

love,
Your Conscience

The Naked & the Surreal

Things have been more hectic than usual.  Babies.  Festivals.  Existential angst.  Somewhere along the line, the motherfucking SUN came out to play.  Good times…

Posting will resume soon – and with a goddamn vengeance!  I’ve got a backlog of crazy shit to post, so hold on to your hat.  The ride will be bumpy and you must be this tall to climb aboard.

Cheers!

-BRP

For The Love Of Coffee

Sorry for the interruption of posting.  Back into the grind now and I’ve got quite a backlog of material!  Cheerio and all that.

I was wrong
I was wrong… NOT
I was wrong, not prolapsed
Prolapsed?  I was robbed!
Tea-bagging?  I was robbed!
Tea-bagging – he did it and robbed
Tea-bagging ~ we did it to Bob
Tea-bagging ~ we did it to get a response
Tea-bagging ~ we did it to get a job
Coffee percolating ~ they did it to keep their job
They did it to percolate coffee
They did it to percolate love
They did it to percolate in my love
They filtered it to percolate in my love
They filtered it to assassinate my love
They assassinated my love!
They assassinated love!
John Tesh assassinated love!
John Tesh assassinated
John Tesh

Assassin? (pic swiped from The Johnny Foreigner)

This particular piece of surreal oddness is very special.  It features the handiwork of one of Thursday Night Coffee’s founding members – Jon Mikel! – on a return visit from the land of maple syrup.  He and Colleen came out to visit and convert the heathens to the Way of Comics.  I think they did a fine job.  They’re safely back in the embrace of Vermont now, but at least we got to see them for a bit.

That’s all for now.  Cheers!

-BRP

Texas Cult Remix

Maybe it’s just me, but everywhere I look, the world seems more and more insane.  Corn production is eaten up by bio-diesel, which causes starvation.  Japan is out of cheese.  The price of rice (RICE, for Bob’s sake!) has skyrocketed.  Meat prices are at an all-time high, but Canada is paying pig ranchers to kill off their stock.  And, of course, there are the cults.

Russian doomsday cults in caves, Japanese death cults in subways, US racist cults in silos…  At least the creepy Mormon cults are getting their day in the sun.  Child-brides and forced family swapping, all led by a charismatic and tyrannical Father.

Praise Eris, that the internet is there to provide context.  Understanding.  Solace.

Ahhhh… that makes everything feel much better.  Thanks internet!

-BRP

PS:  Jon ‘Baldy’ Gates will be at java – tomorrow night.  You have been warned…

Charlie Rose

Submitted without comment. Except this one. And that one. Oh, hell, so there are a few comments. Enjoy.

“Steve is not happy with the… process so far.”

-BRP